Author Archives: Evelyn Barton

Are You Feeling Stuck in a Rut With No Way Out?

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Being inspired and maintaining a high level of inspiration takes work, but what happens when you suffer an emotional, physical or financial setback?

Over the years, I have often spoken about “feeling stuck in a rut.”  I am referring to the moment in your life when you are down on yourself, beating yourself up for one thing or another, consumed with self-doubt and not sure where you are going or if you even have the energy to get there.

The opposite is what I call “luscious” living. This is the better part of life, when all things run smoothly, when you feel happy and filled with energy, when you feel there is purpose and meaning to your life, when everything is falling into place beautifully. Luscious living is when you catch all the green lights, walk with an extra bounce in your step and you feel like you can do anything.

But how do we return to luscious living when we find ourselves stuck in a rut?  Try these four steps:

Stop what you are doing. The power of the law of attraction is not on your side when you are moving in a negative direction. You create just as easily in the negative as you do in the positive, so stop what you are doing. Change your environment to help change your thinking.

Get support. I know that you, too, are probably a “go-getter” and you can go it alone, but you don’t need or have to. I’m giving everyone permission right now to seek out support. (Call me-.I am here to support you).  I recommend venting for a few minutes when you feel the urge.  Then, start looking for the gifts (or positive) in that experience to help shift your thinking.

Exercise. We all know the health benefits of exercise for our physical bodies, but what we have probably underestimated is the many ways in which it benefits the brain. According to experts, physical exercise releases endorphins (feel-good chemicals), improving memory and increasing mental focus. A fun experiment involves setting a goal or asking yourself a question, then letting go and exercising. Whenever I do this, I always come away with an answer or solution and increased clarity on a situation. Try it…it works!

Let go. This takes practice. Through letting go and releasing yourself from the outcomes, solutions, situation, etc., you begin to free yourself. When I “let go” of things, I use a tangible reminder to make it more concrete. I take a balloon, blow it up, and as I am releasing it, I say to myself out loud, “I am letting go of _______.” This helps in circumstances that I have no control over.

Practice noticing when you’re in “a rut,” and exercise these tactics to help move you back to “luscious living.”

 

Overcoming Addiction

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Addictions always serve a need. For many, it’s a basic emotional need of coming to terms with self-worth and developing a strong sense of self. And the best thing you can possibly do is take action!

  • Find the courage to determine what you need that you’re not getting.
  • List three things that you feel you’re running from in your life. What are you using your addictions to avoid? Get to the heart of the matter.
  • You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Get real with yourself. Ask the tough questions -” and listen closely to your answers.
  • Behave your way to success. Instead of being afraid to be a successful person, learn how to own those positive feelings.
  • Work on how to present yourself on an “even-up” basis with the world. How can you know if you can stand on your own without the crutch of your addiction unless you remove it?
  • Stop running. You can run but you can’t hide. Stop putting your own happiness off until tomorrow.

Remember, you don’t ever break a habit. If you want to get rid of bad behavior, you have to replace it with something positive – something that will make you stronger instead of weaker. Work on identifying positive behaviors that would make good replacements for your addictions.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

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Whether you’re newlyweds or nearing your 20th anniversary, there are three things couples can do to affair-proof their marriages:

Appreciation is the number one way to prevent infidelity. This was the consensus, based on what men reported in a research study. Cheating men were saying that, what they received most from the “other woman” was a sense of appreciation and admiration.” When you recognize your husband’s efforts, you’ll get the same in return.  Love him, not just for the extra things he does, but for all the hard work he does. The more appreciation you give him, the more it will be returned to you.”

The second way to stay connected to your spouse is to have more sex and embrace intimacy. This is about how you can get much more pleasure from sex. A lot of women don’t enjoy sex as much because they have difficulty receiving pleasure. Men are much better at that. You have to get better at receiving kindness and pleasure for yourself.

The third thing to remember is that you have the right to have a conversation about cheating.  One research study revealed that 77% of cheaters said they had best friends who cheated, compared with less than 50 percent of the faithful group. Instead of forbidding your husband from seeing his friends, you should be able to have an open conversation about where they’re going.  A nice way to approach your husband about this, is to say, ‘Look, if my best friend was a cheater, and I told you that I was going away to Vegas with her on a girls’ weekend, I would hope you’d have something to say about it..

A good way to open up lines of communication is to go on one date a week. However, there are a few rules you must follow while on the date.  There are three things you can’t talk about – money, business and kids. Talk about fun, friendly things.

Personal Relationship Values

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In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and enthusiasm. This will, in turn, breathe new life into your relationship.

Own your own relationship. You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again believe you’re a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship.

Accept the risk of vulnerability. Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself.

Accept your partner. If your partner experiences in you, the spirit of acceptance, then it is most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from pain, have a dramatically-improved chance of reconciliation.

Focus on friendship. You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate interactions, and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Turn back the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that matured into an intimate relationship.

Promote your partner’s self-esteem. You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your partner’s self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.

Aim your frustrations in the right direction. Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your interactions with your partner.

Be up front and forthright. Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.

Make yourself happy instead of right. Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you don’t have to prove over and over that you know what you’re talking about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than right, you will be receptive to your partner’s attempts to de-escalate hostility and return to civil interactions.

Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil. Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you are setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your partner will not go.

Put motion into your emotion. You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don’t be so consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.

5 Tips for a Happier Life

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Take Your Sunshine Vitamin

Vitamin D increases serotonin, the mood neurotransmitter. It boosts your immunity, promotes healthy neuromuscular functions and helps protect you from some forms of cancer. The easiest way reap the benefits of this nutrient is to spend 15 minutes in the sun a few times a week. Be mindful that sunscreen will prevent you from getting adequate vitamin D outdoors; try skipping sunscreen for just 15 minutes.

If the weather isn’t cooperating, get your vitamin D from milk, egg yolks or supplements (1000 units per day).

Cut the Caffeine

Coffee increases anxiety levels, especially if you’re getting more than 300 mg a day. Increased anxiety means increased irritability. Try substituting your coffee with green tea. It has 1/4 the amount of caffeine found in coffee – and it’s a young tea, which means it packs some powerful antioxidants.

You don’t have to cut caffeine completely, but if you’re having more than 300 mg a day and find yourself fighting headaches and fatigue when you try to cut back, you may be physically dependent.

Express Gratitude

Take the time to truly savor the good things in your life; things others have done for you, things you’ve done for others and all those small acts of kindness that make you smile. A written expression of thanks helps prohibit us from taking things for granted. So sit down with a steaming mug of green tea and express yourself.

Practice Acts of Kindness

It’s the little things. It’s not what you say, it’s what you do.

These expressions may be cliches, but there is truth in their message. By practicing small acts of kindness, you will perceive yourself and others more positively. You’ll also appreciate your good fortune in comparison.

Pick one day a week and carry out three small acts of kindness. Research suggests that this provides a longer-lasting boost to the giver than practicing random acts of kindness spread out over the week.

Just Smile       

Even when you don’t feel like it, the simple act of smiling makes you feel better. A response called facial feedback indicates that, when you smile, you send a signal to your brain that says, “I am happy.” Additionally, if you’re smiling, you’re likely to seem more approachable and happy to others – and people are more likely to smile back.

Common Discipline Mistakes

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Some of the most common discipline mistakes parents make and how to avoid them:

Losing Your Temper

When you habitually yell at your children, they can end up yelling back at you. Children are actually more responsive to calm requests and commands.

Disagreeing on Rules

Never disagree on discipline in front of your children. Parents must present a united front to their kids when enforcing rules. Otherwise, they will quickly learn how to “divide and conquer.”

Treating Children as Small Adults

Although you want your children to know that they are heard, you shouldn’t make the mistake of letting them have an equal say in the rules of the household. This is a parent/child relationship, not a democracy. As children get older, parents can explain the reasoning behind their decisions.

Bribery

Bribery is not a healthy or effective form of motivation for children. You want your children to learn right from wrong regardless of whether or not there is a reward for behaving in an appropriate way.

Unhealthy Praise

Be careful of praising your children too much or too little. Appropriate praise can be healthy and build self-esteem, but if overused, it can leave a child feeling inadequate when he/she doesn’t receive it. Give affirmation for positive behavior and hopefully, your child will repeat the good behaviors that bring appreciation.

Inconsistent Discipline

It’s important that parents are consistent with discipline in order to avoid making their children confused about guidelines and consequences. For example, if action A leads to consequence B, it needs to do so all of the time.

Inappropriate Punishment

The punishment should be a natural and logical consequence of the punishable behavior. If the punishment isn’t fair, you can lose the opportunity to “teach” your child through the act of disciplining because your child’s focus will be on the unfair punishment.

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HOW DO I GET THE SPARK BACK INTO MY MARRIAGE?

You may be asking, “How do I get the spark back into my marriage?” First of all, what you are experiencing is totally normal. Every couple experiences a decline in the “spark” as time goes on. It’s a fact of life as you move from the initial infatuation and early days of your relationship to the attachment phase. Often, as a couple becomes more comfortable with each other, it can start to feel as if the passion has gone out of the relationship. This can seem like a warning sign that something is wrong, that the attraction has faded. It can feel as if you are falling out of love.

However, it’s a biochemical process that has little to do with your relationship or either of you, personally. When you first met, your brains and bodies were producing a cluster of neurotransmitters and hormones that made you feel obsessed with each other. Those chemical fireworks drive the crazy, frequent sex of new love, but it would be exhausting if it stayed that way forever!  Eventually, the biochemistry of love has to settle down —- and when it does, the “excitement” calms down a bit, too.

STEPS TO TAKE TO RECAPTURE THE FIREWORKS

That being said, you can recapture some of the early fireworks — both inside and outside the bedroom. Novelty is the key.

    1. You and your husband should try taking up some new activities together. And if they’re risky, all the better — the endorphin rush will mimic early feelings of love and lust!  Approach your husband with some ideas, or brainstorm together. Anything from learning a new language to exercising together to skydiving will work. Your sex life and your relationship will benefit as you engage in new things as a team.
    2.  In the bedroom, consider changing your sexual routine. Try some new manual  and oral techniques for spicing up foreplay. Banish the same old sexual                  positions. There are many excellent books and videos to inspire and guide you.

It’s also important to make sure that you are making room for sexual connection in your daily life. Not only does this mean getting a babysitter and having regular date nights, but it also means making sure that technology such as smartphones and Facebook aren’t taking over your life.

Think about your nightly routine when you come home from work. When you eat dinner, is your smartphone sitting on the table next to you? When you crawl into bed with your partner, do you find a warm body next to you or a warm laptop? If technology is gaining the upper hand, you need to step back and set some boundaries within your relationship. If your work situation won’t allow you to completely power down for the night, you can compromise by agreeing to one hour of technology-free time or at least putting your phone away during dinner!

By focusing on recreating the spark and decreasing the amount of time you spend apart (emotionally and technologically), you can re-establish your bond and have fun together as a couple again.

 

Four Questions to Reboot Your Relationship 

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1. Can you really expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her? Is it fair to ask your partner to do something that you are not willing to do yourself? If you are pressuring your partner for sex and then pulling away in an angry huff when you don’t get what you want, can you really expect your partner to WANT to be intimate with you?

2.  Can you really expect your partner to treat you better than you treat yourself? If you are critical of yourself, you could be opening the door for your partner (and others) to do the same to you. If you are not willing to learn how to be patient with yourself, forgiving of yourself, and kind to yourself, than why do you expect your partner to do that for you?

3.  If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you could do to make it easier for him or her? Many people come into therapy and will happily delineate all of the many ways that their partner sucks at this or that. This keeps you in the problem cycle and it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to get out of this cycle if you keep supporting what doesn’t work. Instead, honestly look at what you can do to make it easier for your partner to change. Consider being on your partner’s team rather than putting yourself on the opposite side.

4.  How do you create an environment for your partner to be his/her best self? What do you do everyday to help your partner be the best version of him/herself? How do you create a supportive and loving environment for him/her to flourish and grow? If you find that there are places where you feel resentful and don’t want to do this (“because she’s not doing this for me”) then it is easy to see where you can get stuck in an unproductive cycle. If you are ready to improve your marriage or relationship, start here. Start with yourself.

If you feel the need for help or support, feel free to contact me to see how I can help you.

If You’re Feeling Suicidal…

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If you’re feeling suicidal, call for help!

1-800-273-TALK

If you’re not ready to make that call, remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, problems don’t seem temporary – they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you reach out for help.

Some things to consider:

Feeling suicidal does not make you a bad person.

Thoughts of ending your own life do not necessarily mean that you truly want to die – they mean, rather, that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. The pain of deep depression is intense. It is too much to bear for long periods of time.

What might be bearable to someone else may not be to you.

Many kinds of emotional pain may lead to thoughts of suicide. The reasons for this pain are unique to every person, and whether or not the pain is bearable differs from person to person. But even if you’re in a lot of pain, give yourself some distance between thoughts and action. Make a promise to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours and won’t do anything drastic during that time.”Or, wait a week.

Thoughts and actions are two different things your suicidal thoughts do not have to become a reality. There is no deadline. There’s no time limit, no one pushing you to act on these thoughts right now. Wait. Wait and put some distance between your suicidal thoughts and suicidal action.

Reaching out for help

You can choose to live, but first it is important that you find some relief from your pain. To do that, you will need to find a way to increase your connections with people who will listen. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time. They won’t try to argue with you about how miserable you feel or to just “snap out of it”. They will not judge you. They will simply listen and be there for you.

Reach out to just one person. Do it now. Use your 24 hours or your week, to tell someone what’s going on with you. You can call a trusted friend, family member, minister, rabbi, doctor, or therapist. It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s someone you trust and who is likely to listen with compassion and acceptance.

If you don’t know who to turn to:

If you reside in Colorado, call Rocky Mountain Crisis Partners at 1-844-493-8255.  Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433). These toll-free crisis hotlines offer 24-hour suicide prevention and support. Your call is free and confidential.

Even if your suicidal feelings have subsided, get help for yourself. Experiencing that sort of emotional pain is itself a traumatizing experience. Finding a support group or therapist can be very helpful in developing strong coping resources for the future.

Ways to cope with suicidal thoughts and feelings

Remember that, while it may feel as if the depression will never end, depression is never a permanent condition. You WILL feel better again. In the meantime, here are some things you can do to cope with your suicidal thoughts and feelings:

  • Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you.
  • Spend time with people who aren’t depressed. This can lift you up and make you feel better.
  • If you are thinking of taking an overdose, give your medicines to someone who can give them to you one day at a time.
  • Remove any dangerous objects or weapons from your home.
  • Avoid alcohol and other drugs. They will only make you feel worse.
  • Wait until you are feeling better before doing things you find difficult or unpleasant.
  • Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what.
  • Don’t skip meals, and get at least eight hours of sleep each night.
  • Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30-minutes a day.
  • Make time for things that bring you joy.

 

25 Ways to Beat the Blues

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Knowledge is power. Knowledge is fun, and it can help eliminate your sadness.

“The best thing for being sad….is to learn something. This has nothing to do with academia and everything to do with the fact that mastering a technique, sharpening a skill, doing something you didn’t know how to do before, proves anything is possible. Here are 25 ways to brighten up your life:

1. Memorize one good joke.

2. Start a new hobby.

3. Teach yourself not to take the bait the next time a loved one starts pestering you.

4. Master Italian (or American Sign Language, German, Spanish, French)

5. Have a kid show you one fool-proof magic trick.

6. Perfect your margarita-making technique.

7. Enroll in a cooking course.

8. Read everything by a single author whom you’ve been meaning to get to for years.

9. Knit yourself or someone you love a sweater – or perhaps just a scarf.

10. Start writing a short story.

11. Sign up for piano lessons.

12. Find a kind of meditation (prayer, relaxation technique) that feels right.

13. Join a class you’ve always been interested in attending.

14. Learn how to make your grandmother’s pie crust.

15. Figure out how to operate at least one new feature of your cell phone, Tivo or iPad.

16. Create your own blog.

17. Come up with one “can’t miss” meal and serve it to six friends.

18. Try a new kind of exercise class.

19. Conquer your revulsion at putting the worm on the hook.

20.  Learn the technique of a famous artist or photographer.

21. Learn to be alone (turn off your TV and your phone, shut down your computer, and enjoy a little solitude).

22. Tango…..it only takes one person to practice.

23. Buy an atlas; spend some time with it.

24. Pick up the guitar you put down in tenth grade.

25. Learn to juggle.. oranges, not responsibilities.