1. Can you really expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her? Is it fair to ask your partner to do something that you are not willing to do yourself? If you are pressuring your partner for sex and then pulling away in an angry huff when you don’t get what you want, can you really expect your partner to WANT to be intimate with you?
2. Can you really expect your partner to treat you better than you treat yourself? If you are critical of yourself, you could be opening the door for your partner (and others) to do the same to you. If you are not willing to learn how to be patient with yourself, forgiving of yourself, and kind to yourself, than why do you expect your partner to do that for you?
3. If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you could do to make it easier for him or her? Many people come into therapy and will happily delineate all of the many ways that their partner sucks at this or that. This keeps you in the problem cycle and it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to get out of this cycle if you keep supporting what doesn’t work. Instead, honestly look at what you can do to make it easier for your partner to change. Consider being on your partner’s team rather than putting yourself on the opposite side.
4. How do you create an environment for your partner to be his/her best self? What do you do everyday to help your partner be the best version of him/herself? How do you create a supportive and loving environment for him/her to flourish and grow? If you find that there are places where you feel resentful and don’t want to do this (“because she’s not doing this for me!”) then it is easy to see where you can get stuck in an unproductive cycle. If you are ready to improve your marriage or relationship, start here. Start with yourself.
If you feel the need for help or support, feel free to contact me to see how I can help you.