Overcoming Addiction

Addictions always serve a need. For many, it’s a basic emotional need of coming to terms with self-worth and developing a strong sense of self. And the best thing you can possibly do is take action!

  • Find the courage to determine what you need that you’re not getting.
  • List three things that you feel you’re running from in your life. What are you using your addictions to avoid? Get to the heart of the matter.
  • You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Get real with yourself. Ask the tough questions — and listen closely to your answers.
  • Behave your way to success. Instead of being afraid to be a successful person, learn how to own those positive feelings.
  • Work on how to present yourself on an “even-up” basis with the world. How can you know if you can stand on your own without the crutch of your addiction unless you remove it?
  • Stop running. You can run but you can’t hide. Stop putting your own happiness off until tomorrow.

Remember, you don’t ever break a habit. If you want to get rid of bad behavior, you have to replace it with something positive — something that will make you stronger instead of weaker. Work on identifying positive behaviors that would make good replacements for your addictions.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Whether you’re newlyweds or nearing your 20th anniversary, there are three things couples can do to affair-proof their marriages:

Appreciation is the number one way to prevent infidelity. This was the consensus, based on what men reported in a research study. Cheating men were saying that, what they received most from the “other woman” was a sense of appreciation and admiration.” When you recognize your husband’s efforts, you’ll get the same in return.  Love him, not just for the extra things he does, but for all the hard work he does. The more appreciation you give him, the more it will be returned to you.”

The second way to stay connected to your spouse is to have more sex and embrace intimacy. This is about how you can get much more pleasure from sex. A lot of women don’t enjoy sex as much because they have difficulty receiving pleasure. Men are much better at that. You have to get better at receiving kindness and pleasure for yourself.

The third thing to remember is that you have the right to have a conversation about cheating.  One research study revealed that 77% of cheaters said they had best friends who cheated, compared with less than 50 percent of the faithful group. Instead of forbidding your husband from seeing his friends, you should be able to have an open conversation about where they’re going.  A nice way to approach your husband about this, is to say, ‘Look, if my best friend was a cheater, and I told you that I was going away to Vegas with her on a girls’ weekend, I would hope you’d have something to say about it.”

A good way to open up lines of communication is to go on one date a week. However, there are a few rules you must follow while on the date.  There are three things you can’t talk about ……money, business and kids. Talk about fun, friendly things.

Personal Relationship Values

In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and enthusiasm. This will, in turn, breathe new life into your relationship.

Own your own relationship. You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again believe you’re a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship.

Accept the risk of vulnerability. Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself.

Accept your partner. If your partner experiences in you, the spirit of acceptance, then it is most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from pain, have a dramatically-improved chance of reconciliation.

Focus on friendship. You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate interactions, and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Turn back the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that matured into an intimate relationship.

Promote your partner’s self-esteem. You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your partner’s self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.

Aim your frustrations in the right direction. Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your interactions with your partner.

Be up front and forthright. Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.

Make yourself happy instead of right. Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you don’t have to prove over and over that you know what you’re talking about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than right, you will be receptive to your partner’s attempts to de-escalate hostility and return to civil interactions.

Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil. Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you are setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your partner will not go.

Put motion into your emotion. You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don’t be so consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.