Common Discipline Mistakes

Posted on October 29, 2014 by Evelyn Barton

Some of the most common discipline mistakes parents make and how to avoid them:

Losing Your Temper

When you habitually yell at your children, they can end up yelling back at you. Children are actually more responsive to calm requests and commands.

Disagreeing on Rules

Never disagree on discipline in front of your children. Parents must present a united front to their kids when enforcing rules. Otherwise, they will quickly learn how to “divide and conquer.”

Treating Children as Small Adults

Although you want your children to know that they are heard, you shouldn’t make the mistake of letting them have an equal say in the rules of the household. This is a parent/child relationship, not a democracy. As children get older, parents can explain the reasoning behind their decisions.

Bribery

Bribery is not a healthy or effective form of motivation for children. You want your children to learn right from wrong regardless of whether or not there is a reward for behaving in an appropriate way.

Unhealthy Praise

Be careful of praising your children too much or too little. Appropriate praise can be healthy and build self-esteem, but if overused, it can leave a child feeling inadequate when he/she doesn’t receive it. Give affirmation for positive behavior and hopefully, your child will repeat the good behaviors that bring appreciation.

Inconsistent Discipline

It’s important that parents are consistent with discipline in order to avoid making their children confused about guidelines and consequences. For example, if action A leads to consequence B, it needs to do so all of the time.

Inappropriate Punishment

The punishment should be a natural and logical consequence of the punishable behavior. If the punishment isn’t fair, you can lose the opportunity to “teach” your child through the act of disciplining because your child’s focus will be on the unfair punishment.

Posted on October 26, 2014 by Evelyn Barton

HOW DO I GET THE SPARK BACK INTO MY MARRIAGE?

You may be asking, “How do I get the spark back into my marriage?” First of all, what you are experiencing is totally normal. Every couple experiences a decline in the “spark” as time goes on. It’s a fact of life as you move from the initial infatuation and early days of your relationship to the attachment phase. Often, as a couple becomes more comfortable with each other, it can start to feel as if the passion has gone out of the relationship. This can seem like a warning sign that something is wrong, that the attraction has faded. It can feel as if you are falling out of love.

However, it’s a biochemical process that has little to do with your relationship or either of you, personally. When you first met, your brains and bodies were producing a cluster of neurotransmitters and hormones that made you feel obsessed with each other. Those chemical fireworks drive the crazy, frequent sex of new love, but it would be exhausting if it stayed that way forever! Eventually, the biochemistry of love has to settle down —- and when it does, the “excitement” calms down a bit, too.

STEPS TO TAKE TO RECAPTURE THE FIREWORKS

That being said, you can recapture some of the early fireworks — both inside and outside the bedroom. Novelty is the key.

1. You and your husband should try taking up some new activities together. And if they’re risky, all the better — the endorphin rush will mimic early feelings of love and lust! Approach your husband with some ideas, or brainstorm together. Anything from learning a new language to exercising together to skydiving will work. Your sex life and your relationship will benefit as you engage in new things as a team.

2. In the bedroom, consider changing your sexual routine. Try some new manual and oral techniques for spicing up foreplay. Banish the same old sexual positions. There are many excellent books and videos to inspire and guide you.

It’s also important to make sure that you are making room for sexual connection in your daily life. Not only does this mean getting a babysitter and having regular date nights, but it also means making sure that technology such as smartphones and Facebook aren’t taking over your life.

Think about your nightly routine when you come home from work. When you eat dinner, is your smartphone sitting on the table next to you? When you crawl into bed with your partner, do you find a warm body next to you or a warm laptop? If technology is gaining the upper hand, you need to step back and set some boundaries within your relationship. If your work situation won’t allow you to completely power down for the night, you can compromise by agreeing to one hour of technology-free time or at least putting your phone away during dinner!

By focusing on recreating the spark and decreasing the amount of time you spend apart (emotionally and technologically), you can re-establish your bond and have fun together as a couple again.

Four Questions to Reboot Your Relationship

Posted on October 12, 2014 by Evelyn Barton

1. Can you really expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her? Is it fair to ask your partner to do something that you are not willing to do yourself? If you are pressuring your partner for sex and then pulling away in an angry huff when you don’t get what you want, can you really expect your partner to WANT to be intimate with you?

2. Can you really expect your partner to treat you better than you treat yourself? If you are critical of yourself, you could be opening the door for your partner (and others) to do the same to you. If you are not willing to learn how to be patient with yourself, forgiving of yourself, and kind to yourself, than why do you expect your partner to do that for you?

3. If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you could do to make it easier for him or her? Many people come into therapy and will happily delineate all of the many ways that their partner sucks at this or that. This keeps you in the problem cycle and it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to get out of this cycle if you keep supporting what doesn’t work. Instead, honestly look at what you can do to make it easier for your partner to change. Consider being on your partner’s team rather than putting yourself on the opposite side.

4. How do you create an environment for your partner to be his/her best self? What do you do everyday to help your partner be the best version of him/herself? How do you create a supportive and loving environment for him/her to flourish and grow? If you find that there are places where you feel resentful and don’t want to do this (“because she’s not doing this for me”) then it is easy to see where you can get stuck in an unproductive cycle. If you are ready to improve your marriage or relationship, start here. Start with yourself.

If you feel the need for help or support, feel free to contact me to see how I can help you.