Category Archives: Educate Yourself

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 SETTING HEALTHY EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES

What Are Emotional Boundaries?

Emotional boundaries are internal barriers that allow us to separate our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions from others. Setting healthy emotional boundaries is important because without them, we tend to allow the stuff that other people may be dealing with, cross over into our own lives.

For example, our imaginary friend, Julie, is a person with poor emotional boundaries. She allows the relationship struggles of a co-worker to completely control her thoughts and keep her up at night worrying. Although the relationship problems are not her own, Julie is fixated on and worried about her co-worker. She finds herself greatly impacted. She has trouble separating her emotions from those of her co-workers.

A person with strong emotional boundaries might be confused by how affected Julie is. After all, Julie can be empathetic and compassionate toward her co-worker without taking on her co-workers troubles.

For people without established emotional boundaries, there is a very blurred line between where their inner identity and emotions end and the identities and emotions of others begin.

What Causes Poor Emotional Boundaries?

Poor emotional boundaries often go back to childhood. If a person was raised in a household with parents who had a distorted sense of boundaries, they are likely to experience the same as adults.

Parents with poor emotional boundaries have difficulty separating their internal world from that of their children. They want their child to be just like them, with the same likes and dislikes, values, thoughts and feelings.

If a child in this situation thinks or behaves differently from how their parents believe they should, the child is likely to experience rejection from those they most seek approval.

Carrying this fear of rejection into adulthood is often what leads to poor emotional boundaries.

What Do Healthy Emotional Boundaries Look Like? 

Setting healthy emotional boundaries is crucial to having a healthy sense of self. People with unhealthy emotional boundaries often make decisions based upon what is in the best interest of others. Those with healthy emotional boundaries, while exploring how their decision will impact others, consider whats in their own best interest. They don’t fear rejection for their decision. Some view this as selfish. Experts in psychology view this as healthy.

Let’s go back to the example of Julie with poor emotional boundaries worrying about her co-workerss relationship problems. In this situation, Julie is allowing her co-workers struggles to invade her own internal mental and emotional space.

By setting a healthy emotional boundary, Julie can maintain her inner balance without sacrificing her sense of compassion for her co-worker. Julie, with healthy emotional boundaries, can say to herself I can empathize with my co-workers problems for a moment. I’m here for her if she needs me. But, her struggles are not my responsibility.

How Can You Develop Healthy Emotional Boundaries? 

The most important thing in developing healthy emotional boundaries is to get in touch with your inner thoughts and emotions. In order to set healthy boundaries, you must first know who you are and what you value. An easy way to figure this out is to journal about your thoughts, feelings, and stance about important aspects of your life. Ask yourself, “What are my top 10 values in life? What are my genuine likes and dislikes when it comes to ________________?

Also, you may find it helpful to meet with a trained counselor or therapist to discuss setting healthy emotional boundaries. Either way, the goal is to understand who you are as an individual, without being heavily influenced by external forces.

Once you have a greater understanding of your own inner workings, you’ll be better able to tell when your own emotional boundaries are being crossed and take action to avert the intrusion.

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5 SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Are you a victim of emotional abuse? There are so many forms of abuse, and emotional abuse is one of them. If you have been subjected to or witnessed abuse as a child, you are more apt to become an adult who will abuse others, until you learn how to break that cycle. More than likely, you will also attract or gravitate toward other abusive people when you become an adult, until you’ve built your self-esteem and have learned how to love yourself. It is then, that you will recognize the characteristics of an abusive person, and won’t allow anyone to abuse you. The healthier you become, the healthier the person will be who you will attract, and therefore, the healthier your relationship will be.

Here are 5 signs of emotional abuse to look out for in a partner:

1.  Does someone degrade you, or put you down in front of others as a result of their own low self-esteem? Do they negate how you feel, or humiliate you?

2.  Is someone controlling your life by belittling you? Are you depending on someone else to make your decisions because you feel you can’t think for yourself, and you go to them?

3. Someone is accusing and blaming you – they never apologize and blame all their problems on others, however, they expect you to apologize for something you didn’t do.

4. Neglect – Is someone giving you the cold shoulder or silent treatment? Or not meeting your needs? They withhold affection or attention from you, and moreover, they don’t do what they say they will do.

5. Enmeshment or codependence – someone makes choices for you or overshares information about their sexual relationship with your father, and as a result, overshares information that is completely violating the boundaries that you’ve set up. And, they do not take into consideration what you want or need.

All of these are signs of emotional abuse, but this does not define who you are!

Five Ways to Prioritize Self-Care During the Holidays

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  1. Exercise! Exercise is a natural mood-booster, helping to reduce stress, promote concentration, and kick depression to the curb. In only 10 minutes of exercise, your brain will begin to produce serotonin and dopamine—the same hormones targeted by antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications. The holidays are busy, and it’s easy to skip your workout in order to make time for seasonal activities… but even if you can only carve out time for a 10-minute walk, it’s important to maintain the healthy habit of daily exercise.
  2. Get grateful.The simple act of asking yourself, ‘What am I grateful for?’ promotes the development of serotonin and dopamine in your brain… even if you can’t come up with an answer! Get into the habit of thinking of something you’re grateful for at the end of every day—it will help keep you grounded in the spirit of the holiday season, while promoting a more stable and upbeat mood.
  3. Sleep well. Staying up late to wrap presents or to enjoy the company of friends and family at a party is par for the course during the holiday season. But don’t let your late nights get out of hand. Lack of sleep can cause weight gain, irritability, and heightened stress levels. If you’re having difficulty sleeping, eliminate caffeine after 2 p.m., exercise daily, and avoid eating for at least three hours before going to bed.
  4. Avoid emotional eating and drinking. The holidays aren’t joyful for everyone. Whether grieving the loss of a loved one, anticipating tense interactions with family, or experiencing financial hardship, the holidays often go hand-in-hand with higher stress levels and hard-to-handle emotions. And that’s okay… but allow yourself to feel these feelings, rather than use food or alcohol to avoid them. The more you sit with your emotions, the easier it will get to process them in a productive way.
  5. Stay present in the moment. Each moment is a gift… that’s why they call it the present. Give yourself the gift of the present moment this holiday season. When you begin to get sucked into the stress of party planning and baking and shopping and wrapping… stop, and focus on something you feel good about right there in that moment.

Remember, most of the standards we hold ourselves to during the holiday season are self-imposed. Instead of creating stress, give yourself permission to sit back and relax a bit more. Ten, 20, or 30 years from now, you won’t remember that pecan pie you baked from scratch, or how you wrapped each gift with a perfectly spiraling ribbon; you’ll remember the good times you spent with your family and friends, laughing, and making memories.

Four Ways to Stay Hopeful about the Future

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I’ve always believed that our thoughts are powerful—so powerful that they can influence what lies ahead. If we focus on our past difficulties and fears, we find ourselves struggling to nurture positive feelings about the next chapter. Here’s a plan for remaining optimistic.

1. Imagine the way you’d like your future to look.

Having a clear vision of what you desire evokes a sense of excitement, and issues an invitation to the future to pull you forward. Believing in your vision is the surest way to attract what you want in life; the key is to keep that vision energized with positive thoughts for tomorrow, regardless of what today looks like.

2. Move through your fear and let go of the past.

It’s natural for human beings to fear the unknown, and the future falls into that category; none of us can predict what’s to come. But what we can control is our mind-set. Don’t hold yourself back because you’re afraid or because you’ve been hurt. Instead, acknowledge your fear, accept it, and walk through it with confidence. Letting go is like a mental, emotional, and spiritual delete button. It doesn’t change what happened, but it removes that event’s power to continue hurting you. Until you make peace with your difficult memories, that pain will continue to bleed into your current and future experiences.

3. Stop rehearsing your limitations.

Talking constantly about what you cannot do and do not have can become habitual, and talking about What you don’t want to happen—”I don’t want to be single forever!” “I don’t ever want to go through that again!” “I don’t want to be broke!” – can end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

4. Live well today.

Often our lives are so overwhelming, over-committed, and exhausting that it feels like we will never accomplish everything we set out to. This leads us to believe that tomorrow will bring us more of today……..a day in which we’ll continue to be stressed. To pump some life and excitement into your future possibilities, you need to be joyful, peaceful, and grateful for what you have and what you’re doing right now. This means spending time resting, working, learning, nourishing, preparing, and loving. When we do things that keep us feeling alive and hopeful, we learn to look forward to a brighter and better future.

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The DO’s and DON’TS of DIVORCE for PARENTS

Divorce is a very complex occurrence that takes place within the family. This article will not attempt to cover all of the many nuances and intricacies involved in dealing with children who are experiencing a divorce. There are therapists who deal specifically with divorces as well as many books written on the effects of divorce on children and on parents. Many towns have programs committed to working with children of divorced families. This can be very effective in helping kids come to terms with what’s going on. All of these options should be considered.

I hope this article will offer some useful ideas. I would like to stress the fact that it is not meant to be a substitute for a broader understanding of divorce and its effect on parents and children. Being structured and clear after a divorce is much more helpful to kids than compromising your values because your children are going through a tough time.

There are as many types of divorces as there are types of families, and each family creates their own little theater in which the divorce is acted out. For some families, divorce emanates from the adults not being able to get along, solve problems or communicate effectively. In other families, the divorce is the recognition that things are not working for the good of everyone involved. In certain families, divorce is a way to get out of an abusive or destructive relationship. In cases like that, the children ultimately benefit psychologically, even though they will still face fears. And, they may even feel loyalty toward the offending parents.

Why Divorce is Traumatic for the Children

The reason why a divorce is very traumatic for the children involved is because things are changing for them completely and the future is unknown. The most powerful people in their lives have decided to go on a completely different course. Kids use their parents to manage their fears of the unknown. When kids get anxious about the future, they have an unconscious mechanism that tells them their parents will take care of whatever it is that’s bothering them. They do this often and without thinking about it. Divorce can be considered traumatic because it overpowers the children involved. They don’t have the tools or the experience to manage the overwhelming feelings and changes that are happening in their lives. They tend to deal with them in different ways, depending upon what the personality and nature of the child is.

‘Fear’ is often the core feeling they have: Fear that they’re going to lose things they have, and fear that they’re not going to have things they want. What you’ll see, in some cases, is that one child will buckle down and do OK in school, and the other child will give up and stop working. These two very different reactions may even occur in the same family. What that means is that one child is dealing with his fear and insecurity through isolating, while the other child is focusing on external things like schoolwork and sports. Some children deal with their fear and anger by acting their emotions out and striking out at others. One withdraws into the fort; the other goes out to meet the enemy.

The Emotions Involved

The major emotions involved with divorce are fear, anger, and grief. The general fear for children is that things are changing and they don’t know what they’re changing into. The anger is that they have no control or power over the situation. And grief emanates from the very real fact that the family they knew has perished. It’s as if it died, and they must, over time, grieve that family.

As a parent, you will see the behaviors that characterize anger, fearfulness and grief. The anger might be viewed through verbal or physical acting out, through increased oppositionality and defiance, behavioral acting out in school, or anger and frustration taken out on other siblings or the residing parent. The fearfulness manifests itself through a process of shutting down. Kids will isolate emotionally and physically, spending more time in their rooms or out of the house. They may appear more secretive. They are withdrawing into themselves because of some instinctual feeling they have that this is the best way to protect themselves. And you’ll see kids act out the stages of grief. They may bargain with their parents and try to figure out how to keep them together, they’ll be in denial about the significance of the divorce; they’ll be angry about what it means to them. Eventually, if it’s a healthy grieving process, they’ll come to accept it, but that takes time and work.

No matter how the kids handle the divorce, they generally don’t want to talk about it to either parent, which creates problems for parents who desperately want their children to understand what’s going on from their perspective.

Sources From Which Kids Draw Strength

Kids draw their strength from many different sources, but mostly, from their parents and their family system. When kids are younger, their parents and family are their sole source of strength. As they develop, school performance, friends and sports become sources of strength, depending upon the individual child. So, the first thing parents have to understand is that when the divorce is announced, the kids are going to experience a lot of insecurity about what the future holds. Parents may also feel that insecurity, but they feel empowered to manage it.

Children are completely dependent. It’s a sad fact that many children go into poverty after a divorce because the money that used to support one household, is now going to support two. The biggest cause of poverty among single parent families in America is divorce. That instills fear in children. They wonder ‘What’s going to happen to my parents? Are we going to have enough food? Will I have clothes? Can I still go to the mall on Fridays? Will we be able to do the same things?’ These questions float around in the kids’ heads. Some fears have to do with the well-being of the parents and of the family, and some are age appropriately self-centered. And, parents will do well to focus on these things when they talk to the child about the divorce.

Develop a Culture of Accountability in Your Home

Single parents have to develop a culture of accountability in their home once the separation or divorce has taken place. A ‘culture of accountability’ position is one that says, ‘You are still accountable for your behavior here at home.’ So no matter what else is going on outside the house or whatever feelings the child is having, including those that come from legitimate sources, the child is responsible for his or her behavior. Being structured and clear after a divorce is much more helpful to kids than compromising your values because your children are going through a tough time. Remember, it’s during tough times that we need reliable structure the most. Limits, accountability, parental support, outside support when necessary—these are all part of a culture of accountability in the family. Kids experience a whole range of emotions when a separation and divorce occur. Remember that ‘divorce’ and ‘separation’ are legalistic terms. Once one parent moves out, the kids’ adverse emotional experience begins, no matter how it’s labeled.

Have structure that clearly sets out the responsibilities of each child, outline the way they have to treat each other and the way they have to treat you as the parent. Make sure the limits are clear. Issues such as curfews, use of phone, computer, and TV time, expectations around schoolwork and other commitments should all be kept very clear. Hold kids accountable for not meeting their responsibilities. And, don’t let things slide because of your divorce. You don’t have to be punitive, but you have to be consistent.

Be available to your kids if they want to talk about the divorce or any other subject. Let them know you’re available to talk about things without specifically citing the divorce. Seek outside support when necessary. Certain types of counseling can be very helpful to kids who are experiencing the feelings of grief after a divorce. Also, if children are older and they test the limits by being physical or threatening, do not hesitate to call the police. There are many situations where kids sense a vacuum of power, and they will try to fill it if the parent does not. This can be especially troublesome in families where there is an adolescent, or families where the children don’t reside with the parent who was the primary limit-setter.

Do’s and Don’ts of Parenting After a Divorce
There are many ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ for parents after a divorce, but here are a few that  are crucial:

  • Don’t push kids to talk about the divorce if they don’t want to. Be inviting, but not demanding. Let them know there are other resources available to them outside of the family.
  • Do hold kids accountable for their behavior. If kids are acting out, be clear with them. Let them know that even if they’re acting out because of the divorce, they’ll still be held accountable for their behavior.
  • Don’t talk negatively about the other parent. It’s never a good idea.
  • Don’t jump into another relationship and expect kids to be accepting of that person. That may soothe your sense of loss, but for kids, it’s only confusing and frustrating.
  • Don’t try to have deep, meaningful conversations with your kids about the divorce. They may act ‘adultified,’ but they are not little adults.
  • Do acknowledge that things have changed.
  • Don’t share all your fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, or grief with your children. They’re not at a level of development where they can handle that. Often, it makes them feel like they have to take care of you, and that’s not a good position for them to be in.
  • Do family organizational planning and structuring without emotions. Sit down and let kids know what roles are going to change. Don’t do it democratically. Don’t ask for opinions or votes. It’s not helpful to kids to put that responsibility on them.

Don’t Try to Control What Goes On in the Other Parent’s Home

As I mentioned, a single parent has to develop the culture of accountability in their household. What happens at mom’s house or dad’s house is none of your business, except in cases of safety. Do not let it become part of your child’s alibi system. When your son or daughter says, ‘Dad lets me do this at his house,’ tell them that they’ll have to wait until they get back to Dad’s house until they do it again, because in your home there are consequences for that behavior. You may feel frustrated with the way your ex parents your children, but don’t try to control what goes on in the other parent’s home. That’s a dead-end street. There are many situations where parents cooperate with each other after the separation or divorce, but, people divorce because they don’t like each other anymore, so cooperation can only go so far.

Another issue is that many ex-spouses tell their children details of the marriage that you would rather they didn’t know. This is a common occurrence, and parents have to work on not giving it power. First of all, if you show your child that this information has power over you, that child is going to use it in certain situations. So the idea is to say something like, ‘Whatever your mother says at her house, just discuss it with her. This is not a place to talk about it.’ I personally don’t think you should discuss specifics about the divorce. I think you should say, ‘That’s Mom’s opinion. You’ll have to talk to her about that. In my house, I don’t blame your mother, and I don’t let her blame me.’

Understand this: Separation and divorce usually don’t occur or don’t emanate from a peaceful, easy-going marital situation. There are often occurrences such as strong arguments and fights, blaming, cursing, and bad feelings which precede the actual separation or divorce. For better or worse, kids have witnessed what’s occurred and they will know the truth. Parents who use the ‘Culture of Accountability’ model teach kids that using excuses and blaming others does not justify their inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.

If you teach your children not to make excuses and not to justify inappropriate behavior, they will be better prepared to identify when the other parent is using excuses and justifications to explain their behavior.

When is Family Counseling in Order?

Family counseling is a very tricky issue. Some therapists will say that it should not include both parents because it is artificial, and helps kids promote the normal fantasy that their parents will get back together. On the other hand, there are therapists who believe that even if there’s a divorce, the family should address it as a whole system. There are a lot of variables that come into play when deciding which course to take with which therapist. One thing is clear—your child should have the option of seeing someone, but they should not be forced to if they’re managing the divorce effectively. If your child is having behavior problems which either stem from or are intensified by the divorce, the help should be based on him or her learning to manage the problems and feelings underlying the behavior.

Therapy should be flexible enough to involve everyone in various combinations, but still avoid involving sessions with both the parents and the children present, unless absolutely necessary. Before those sessions, strict ground rules and agendas must be agreed upon by both parents. Remember, it is very likely the differences in perception, interpretation, and behaviors which led to the divorce in the first place could be acted out in the artificial situation. In some cases, kids will not want to participate in these types of therapeutic activities. If kids are managing the divorce and the other areas of their life well, they should not be pushed to be involved. On the other hand, if they’re having behavioral or academic performance problems, behavior management therapy should be on the menu.

Divorce carries an inherent risk of damage to the children involved. The more quickly the adults going through the divorce take responsibility for being parents instead of spouses, the better the chances the children will have of adjusting to the new reality of their lives.

How to Spot a Child Molester

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How do you know when a person is safe for your child to be around?  Answer:  You really can never be 100% sure because pedophiles and other brands of child molesters are master manipulators; but, there are some clues that can be indicators that someone is not safe for your child.

Ways to identify a child molester:

  • They are more interested in talking to your child than they are in talking to you.
  • They tend to be people who spend time alone with children; in particular, males who strategize alone time with children or one particular child.
  • Pedophiles often try to elicit sympathy from their victims by telling them sad stories about their own childhoods.
  • Child molesters are usually people you know and trust.
  • Child molesters do not respect boundaries – particularly those of children.
  • They treat children like peers rather than like children.
  • Most child molesters are male.
  • They place themselves geographically in locations where children are present schools, parks, kids’ clubs…
  • They become involved in relationships with adults who have children, particularly single mothers.
  • They “groom” their victims with promises and gifts.
  • They manipulate their victims by sympathizing with them and tricking them into believing that they “really” understand the child’s situation.
  • They look children in the eye and appear to be genuinely interested and concerned for them.
  • They are incapable of having a healthy relationship with a mature woman.
  • Pedophiles tend to have “gaps” in their employment history.

At some point during the relationship an element of secrecy gets introduced.  The beginning secrets may be “innocent,” that is, not involving sexual content; but it is in the act of having a secret that the child becomes “hooked” in the relationship.  Once the molester realizes that he has gotten away with getting the child to keep a secret, then he quickly increases his level of physical boundary violation to the point of sexual contact.

A relationship between a child molester and a child feels very intimate.  Usually the child molester has violated all appropriate boundaries to the point that his relationship with the child involves elements akin to an intimate adult relationship.  In fact, many pedophiles actually believe they are having a real and beneficial relationship with the child.  The child enjoys the relationship to some degree and puts up with the sexual violation because the relationship feels deep and meaningful, meeting the child’s  needs to be seen and heard by an adult.  A pedophile is meeting the child’s needs for affection, acknowledgement, attention, and value.  The child is trapped in this elicit relationship, partly because it is meeting some of the child’s “felt” needs, albeit, inappropriately.  Unfortunately, this intimate relationship is extremely toxic, perverting the childâ’s desire for closeness, and confusing the childâ’s sense of how a relationship “should” feel.  Sexual abuse not only causes the victims to feel a deep sense of shame and rage, it confuses the victim’s perceptions of love, boundaries, and need for validation.

Another dynamic that occurs when a child is molested is that the child becomes deeply ashamed and she feels so humiliated by what is happening that she tries to push it out of her mind and pretend that everything is fine.  She is so horrified by the truth that she mentally runs away from it and will not tell anyone, let alone herself, what is really happening to her.

The best way to prevent the sexual molestation of your child is to pay attention to her.  Make sure that you meet her felt needs of acknowledgement, attention, and worth.  Look her in the eye and listen to her. Be interested in your child’s life. Let her know you are paying attention, you are attuned, and you care about her wellbeing.  Talk to your child about deep and meaningful things.  Make sure she is not being neglected or left to fend for herself.  A sexual predator feeds on children who are neglected.  Make sure your child is not neglected.

If You’re Feeling Suicidal…

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If you’re feeling suicidal, call for help!

1-800-273-TALK

If you’re not ready to make that call, remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, problems don’t seem temporary – they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you reach out for help.

Some things to consider:

Feeling suicidal does not make you a bad person.

Thoughts of ending your own life do not necessarily mean that you truly want to die – they mean, rather, that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. The pain of deep depression is intense. It is too much to bear for long periods of time.

What might be bearable to someone else may not be to you.

Many kinds of emotional pain may lead to thoughts of suicide. The reasons for this pain are unique to every person, and whether or not the pain is bearable differs from person to person. But even if you’re in a lot of pain, give yourself some distance between thoughts and action. Make a promise to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours and won’t do anything drastic during that time.”Or, wait a week.

Thoughts and actions are two different things your suicidal thoughts do not have to become a reality. There is no deadline. There’s no time limit, no one pushing you to act on these thoughts right now. Wait. Wait and put some distance between your suicidal thoughts and suicidal action.

Reaching out for help

You can choose to live, but first it is important that you find some relief from your pain. To do that, you will need to find a way to increase your connections with people who will listen. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time. They won’t try to argue with you about how miserable you feel or to just “snap out of it”. They will not judge you. They will simply listen and be there for you.

Reach out to just one person. Do it now. Use your 24 hours or your week, to tell someone what’s going on with you. You can call a trusted friend, family member, minister, rabbi, doctor, or therapist. It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s someone you trust and who is likely to listen with compassion and acceptance.

If you don’t know who to turn to:

If you reside in Colorado, call Rocky Mountain Crisis Partners at 1-844-493-8255.  Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433). These toll-free crisis hotlines offer 24-hour suicide prevention and support. Your call is free and confidential.

Even if your suicidal feelings have subsided, get help for yourself. Experiencing that sort of emotional pain is itself a traumatizing experience. Finding a support group or therapist can be very helpful in developing strong coping resources for the future.

Ways to cope with suicidal thoughts and feelings

Remember that, while it may feel as if the depression will never end, depression is never a permanent condition. You WILL feel better again. In the meantime, here are some things you can do to cope with your suicidal thoughts and feelings:

  • Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you.
  • Spend time with people who aren’t depressed. This can lift you up and make you feel better.
  • If you are thinking of taking an overdose, give your medicines to someone who can give them to you one day at a time.
  • Remove any dangerous objects or weapons from your home.
  • Avoid alcohol and other drugs. They will only make you feel worse.
  • Wait until you are feeling better before doing things you find difficult or unpleasant.
  • Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what.
  • Don’t skip meals, and get at least eight hours of sleep each night.
  • Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30-minutes a day.
  • Make time for things that bring you joy.

 

How to Choose a Therapist for You

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(Picking the Right Therapist for You)

Finding the right therapist is critical in order to achieve your therapy goals and have a successful experience. Just as you would make sure that your car mechanic, doctor or business consultant understands your needs and respects your personality, so too ” and even more so ” should your therapist.

You can get recommendations of therapists from friends, family members or your insurance provider, or by doing a quick Google search for therapists in your area. However, no matter what the therapist is, whether it’s a new graduate from social work school or a seasoned professional with a boatload of clients, the most important thing to determine is if he or she is a good fit for you.

Different strokes for different folks ——–

Some people are looking for a therapist to primarily listen and offer them a supportive ear. Others want a proactive therapist to give feedback and offer insight on their situation. Perhaps you want a Freudian-type therapist to do deep psychoanalysis, or you like the more standard cognitive or behavioral therapies. Take some time to figure out what exactly you are looking for in a therapist so you can better evaluate whether this is a good match. If you aren’t familiar with different therapy styles or modes of therapy, that’s fine. You can ask your therapist about the different styles, and pros and cons of each.

You should also evaluate more general factors such as cultural background, language, and personality. Studies show that the more similar you are to your therapist with regard to speaking the same language and coming from the same cultural background, the better your chances of therapy being successful.

Trust is another huge factor – you must absolutely feel that you trust your therapist to respect your boundaries and protect your confidentiality.

Interview your therapist ———-

It’s best to take some time to interview your therapist and ask them what sort of therapy they practice. Tell him or her straight out: “this is my issue – how would you deal with it?” If the response makes sense and sounds appealing to you, this is probably a good match. If it raises concerns, talk about the concerns with your therapist and see if you can come to an agreement. If not, you may need to look for someone else. Make sure you’re clear about what you need help with and what your expectations are from therapy BEFORE your first session, so you can properly evaluate whether this is the right therapist for you.

It can take two to three sessions before making a decision about whether it’s a good match or not, and the clearer and more upfront you are about your goals and expectations, the quicker you’ll be able to evaluate the therapist and see if he or she is right for you. If after three full sessions you still feel like your therapist doesn’t understand you, it’s time to find someone else. And if you’re connecting and feel a real rapport, then go for it!

 

Human Trafficking

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In 2013, the horrific act of human trafficking has become more prevalent than ever before. It could very well be happening in your own neighborhood, even next door. It is a heinous violation of human rights and of the human spirit, in addition to being a gross violation of a woman’s (and more often than not, a child’s) body. It doesn’t occur just in other countries. It is now widespread within our own United States of America. The only way to eradicate or abolish this inhumane treatment of women and children is to report any incident you witness or are privy to, to the proper authorities. Let’s take a stand for these helpless victims. Take action and do your part to stop human trafficking.

Human Trafficking Indicators

While not an exhaustive list, these are some key red flags that could alert you to a potential trafficking situation that should be reported:

  • Living with employer
  • Poor living conditions
  • Multiple people in cramped space
  • Inability to speak to individual alone
  • Answers appear to be scripted and rehearsed
  • Employer is holding identity documents
  • Signs of physical abuse
  • Submissive or fearful
  • Unpaid or paid very little
  • Under 18 and in prostitution

Questions to Ask

Assuming you have the opportunity to speak with a potential victim privately and without jeopardizing the victim’s safety because the trafficker is watching, here are some sample questions to ask to follow up on the red flags you became alert to:

  • Can you leave your job if you want to?
  • Can you come and go as you please?
  • Have you been hurt or threatened if you tried to leave?
  • Has your family been threatened?
  • Do you live with your employer?
  • Where do you sleep and eat?
  • Are you in debt to your employer?
  • Do you have your passport/identification? Who has it?

Where to Get Help

If you believe you have identified someone still in the trafficking situation, alert law enforcement immediately at the numbers provided below. It may be unsafe to attempt to rescue a trafficking victim. You have no way of knowing how the trafficker may react and retaliate against the victim and you. If, however, you identify a victim who has escaped the trafficking situation, there are a number of organizations to whom the victim could be referred for help with shelter, medical care, legal assistance, and other critical services. In this case, call the National Human Trafficking Resource Center described below.

911 Emergency
For urgent situations, notify local law enforcement immediately by calling 911. You may also want to alert the National Human Trafficking Resource Center described below so that they can ensure response by law enforcement officials knowledgeable about human trafficking.

1-888-373-7888 National Human Trafficking Resource Center
Call the National Human Trafficking Resource Center, a national 24-hour, toll-free, multilingual anti-trafficking hotline. Call 1-888-373-7888 to report a tip; connect with anti-trafficking services in your area; or request training and technical assistance, general information, or specific anti-trafficking resources. The Center is equipped to handle calls from all regions of the United States from a wide range of callers including, but not limited to: potential trafficking victims, community members, law enforcement, medical professionals, legal professionals, service providers, researchers, students, and policymakers.

1-888-428-7581 U.S. Department of Justice Worker Exploitation Complaint Line
Call the U.S. Department of Justice’s dedicated human trafficking toll-free complaint line at 1-888-428-7581 (weekdays 9 AM – 5 PM EST) to report suspected instances of human trafficking or worker exploitation or contact the FBI field office nearest you .This call is toll-free and offers foreign language translation services in most languages as well as TTY. After business hours, the complaint line has a message service in English, Spanish, Russian, and Mandarin.