Overcoming Fear


When my brother came to visit me last year, I wanted to do something fun and exciting with him, something that would alleviate the stress of being a caregiver to his wife, and to help us bond with each other.  So, I made plans to go zip-lining with him. I was already stressed from not being able to find the location for this activity for hours on end. In addition, I suffered from a fear of heights, but I felt the only way to overcome that fear was to face it head on. After all, I should be practicing what I encourage my clients to do. We finally reached the meeting point for this zip-lining event. Once each of us in the group got strapped into our gear and hiked to our destination, I made the mistake of looking down from where we were to begin zip-lining, which was 300 feet above the ground, even though it looked like an infinite distance. Of course, I was secured to a harness, but this gave little to no comfort at the time. I was petrified with fear, and my legs felt like complete Jello. It would have been easy to give up at that point, but I was being cheered on by the others waiting in line behind me. And, I wasn’t one to throw in the towel just quite yet. I literally felt like I was about to die, and part of me would have given my life to turn back right then and there. But, guess what?  I calmed myself down, took a deep breath, said to myself, “I can do this,” and jumped. Somehow, I managed to thrust my body off the cliff I was standing on, and the cable I was attached to, slid forward till I finally got to the next mountain peak (which seemed like 1/2 mile away). I managed to find the strength somewhere deep down and continued right past the fear. This taught me invaluable lessons on trust, finding inner strength, and most importantly, to never give up. I suggest that you realize the power of pushing through your fears, the power you give yourself when you do so.  Fear will only hold you back if you allow it to, remember that breaking through your fears will build your strength and increase your belief in yourself and your abilities.

 1. Name your fears

We all have fears that we have avoided for some time. Maybe you have avoided certain situations your whole life. Maybe this is a newfound fear. Whatever the case, these fears have guided your decisions, your life choices, and the path you’ve taken. These fears are not going to go away on their own. Ignoring them is the easy way out!  So, write them down where you can read them and vocalize them. This will make them real. “I fear being alone”, or “I fear commitment”, or “I fear speaking up for myself.”

2. Prioritize them

Now that you have your list, highlight the ones that seem to be all-consuming. These are the fears that take up a majority of your time and energy. You may have been in avoidance mode when facing these fears. The highlighted fears are the ones that you want to break through. You are tired of living your life in the shadows of these fears. You are ready to take the necessary steps to move past them.

3. Time to take action

Now is the scary part. You need to take action. List ways that would stretch your comfort zone. What risks can you take in regards to your fear? If you stretched yourself a little each and every day, how would your life be different?  Make a list of small, medium and large risks that you can work up to. Commit to taking action every day until the fear is conquered. I guarantee the act of facing the fears head on will decrease your anxiety over time.

Coping Skills for the Holidays

 

1.  Three slow, deep belly breaths can work wonders to calm your nerves.

2.  Focus on experiences rather than material things.

3.  Take care of yourself first (think of the airplane oxygen mask analogy). It is o.k. to say no.

4.  Minimize your time with people who stress you out.

5.  Nutrition is important.

6.  Exercise is too! Research shows exercise is as effective as antidepressant medications.

7.  Getting a massage or taking a hot bath are great stress-relievers.

8.  Recognize what you do and don’t have control over.

9.  Avoid or minimize alcohol, especially in situations where you are not with people

you trust and feel safe with. And remember that alcohol is a depressant.

10. Get support – from friends, family, or maybe a counselor or support group.

Gratitude


With Thanksgiving approaching, now is a great time to begin practicing an “attitude of gratitude.”  Focus on being thankful for what you have, for what you have learned or gained, and the negative experiences you haven’t been through.  Be thankful for the ones you have experienced, for they have added value to your life by either making you stronger or teaching you a valuable lesson that you can benefit from and apply to the rest of your life.

1. Gratitude Journal: Keep a Gratitude Journal. At the end of each day, write down at least 5 things you feel grateful for from the day. These might include things like: a smile from a stranger, a hug from your child, an unexpected compliment, a good meal, a moment of laughter with a friend.

2. Spend Time In Nature: Go for a walk in nature. Appreciate the beauty, the quiet, the fresh air. Enjoy the magnificence of a sunset…or a sunrise if you are an early riser.

3. Gratitude Dance: Take a few minutes and begin your day with the Gratitude Dance. If your energy is flagging during the day — do it again. It will probably make you laugh — and that will energize and refresh you.

4. Appreciate Family, Friends and Colleagues: Bring to mind those close to you that you love and how you are thankful that they are part of your life. Make a note in your journal of your special people and why you appreciate them. You may want to write them a short note, send them a card, or call them to let them know how grateful you are for their presence in your life.

5. Be Grateful For You: Be grateful for you and for your life. Take a moment to notice your goodness; the caring you express to others. Do this several times a week and be grateful for your qualities and strengths. There is no one else quite like you. Honor and appreciate yourself.

Understanding and Managing the Stress Response

Imagine for a moment that you are living in the Stone Age, some 10,000 years ago. Your day largely consists of gathering food for you and your family to eat. Life is stressful, but you have no complaints. Your priorities are clear, you know how to survive, and you take pride in your ability to handle whatever comes your way.

The Stress Response

Now imagine that it is dusk and you and some companions are returning from a long, exhausting day of hunting. You suddenly encounter a small pack of startled wolves, obviously threatened by your presence. A violent confrontation is imminent. As if turned on by an unseen switch, you instinctively set in motion a torrent of physiologic, emotional, and behavioral reactions designed to maximize your chances of survival. This is the stress response.

To survive in the face of this stressor, you will need to see clearly (even at dusk), think coherently, move rapidly, and cooperate with your allies. This requires a sharp increase in blood flow and oxygen supply to your brain, special senses, and skeletal muscles. Your heart rate increases, your blood pressure rises, your breathing quickens, your airways widen.

Blood is diverted away from non-essential organs such as your skin, which becomes cool and clammy. Your pupils dilate and, in case you’re injured in an ensuing battle, your immune system is suppressed to dampen the painful consequences of inflammation. Two stress hormones, produced in large part by the adrenal glands, primarily orchestrate these physiologic changes: epinephrine (or adrenalin) and cortisol.

You and your companions know exactly what to do. You coordinate your positions, raise your weapons, and prepare for a fight. Fortunately, the wolves retreat. As the danger subsides, so does the stress response, which is highly adaptable to a rapidly changing environment. As quickly as it turns on, it turns off once the threat has passed. You proceed home, a little shaken, but, otherwise, feeling fine as your epinephrine and cortisol levels return to normal.

Stone-agers in the 21st Century

Now imagine it is present day. Your day largely consists of making money so you and your family have food to eat. It is dusk and you’re getting ready to return home from a long, exhausting day at work. On your way out, your hostile boss inappropriately accuses you of a mistake you did not commit, and insists that you immediately correct the problem. While not imminently life-threatening, this blow to your integrity is enough to ignite a typical stress response, the physiology of which has not changed since the Stone Age. Wild animals no longer pose the threat. Supervisors, deadlines, responsibilities, and social injustices have replaced them.

So, what do you do?

Argue with your boss or quit your job to escape his threatening behavior? On the contrary, feeling trapped by societies expectations, you respond, through clenched teeth, “I’m sorry. I’ll take care of it.” While your Stone Age counterpart was free to fight or flee, you are forced to endure the standoff. Yours is a stress response with no place to go. Â And, unlike the retreating wolves, you are faced with similar stressors all day, everyday.

Stress and Health

A maladaptive stress response “one that essentially never shuts off” is potentially harmful in two ways:

  1. Continuous or repeated surges of excess stress hormone are detrimental to the cardiovascular and immune systems, potentially increasing your risk of coronary heart disease, stroke, cancer, recurrent infection, and other chronic diseases.
  2. As an outlet to the persistent stress, you are more likely to turn to destructive behaviors such as tobacco abuse, excessive alcohol consumption, and dietary overindulgence.

Ironically, the same stress response that could have saved your life in the Stone Age can kill you today.

So, how do you avoid the damaging effects of prolonged stress? There are two basic approaches: eliminate the stressors or minimize the stress response. Avoiding stress all together seems to be the most obvious and promising strategy. However, this is not a realistic one. Life has been stressful since the Stone Age; there’s only so much you can do to avoid it.

Adapting to the Stress

Rather than trying to hide from the inevitable, it makes more sense to moderate the harmful effects of the stress response. There are three basic ways to accomplish this:

Use the stress response. Don’t take it lying down! While your stress hormones are up, channel them into productive activities. Exercise is an ideal outlet for excess epinephrine and cortisol. Not only does regular exercise clearly benefit the cardiovascular and immune systems, it also offsets the destructive emotions often associated with the stress response, like anxiety and depression.

Alleviate the stress response. Originally, scientists assumed the stress response was involuntary – entirely out of willful control. Recently, however, researchers have discovered our ability to consciously lower our heart rate and blood pressure, raise our skin temperature, and decrease our muscle tone through meditation or prayer and other forms of mind-body interventions. Interestingly, they have also found that stress hormone levels drop during these activities.

Avoid the stress response.

By reinterpreting the impact of a stressor, it may be possible to avoid or severely restrict a maladaptive stress response. While the stress in your life is very real and unavoidable, you may have an exaggerated conception of its magnitude and meaning. Although it is entirely appropriate to have a major stress response when confronting a pack of wolves, a boss’s misinterpretation of facts need not necessarily produce a prolonged surge of stress hormones. A process called cognitive-behavior therapy can train you to think and act in ways that result in more realistic and healthier responses to stress. A cognitive-behavioral therapist will help you accept the fact that life is stressful. You will see that health will come not from avoiding life’s inevitable stressors, but by finding the resilience to adapt to its inexorable challenges.

Stop Attracting the Wrong Thing and Live the Life You Want

It is not surprising that most of us set ourselves up for the exact situations we say we don’t want. I have worked with countless clients who struggled with the exact same problems. Some were in a job that was extremely unsatisfying, but they didn’t believe they could make a switch to a more rewarding and high-paying profession. Or, they were in a toxic relationship, but didn’t believe they were worthy of a more enriching and positive relationship. If you don’t believe in yourself and your capabilities, why would anyone else?  You are attracting to yourself exactly what you don’t want.  And, there is a fairly simplistic solution. It all starts with your self-image, and strengthening this has been neglected for some time. As soon as you start standing taller, expecting more for yourself, that is exactly what you will get. We have a tendency to place the blame on others and situations that we feel are out of our control. Well, guess what?  Turn that focus around and look at yourself. How do you talk to yourself?  How do you treat yourself?  What are the standards you hold?  Do you treat yourself with the same respect that you expect from others?  This week, do whatever it takes to lift your self-image a notch or two.

1. Start with the basics

Forget the long-term goal for now. Just focus on boosting your image a bit first. If you want more for your life, such as a more fulfilling job or a more meaningful relationship, you first need to ask yourself some questions. Why am I settling for less? What am I afraid of? Why do I feel I am in this predicament? Once you conquer these questions and face the truth, then you can move forward.

2.  Work on your image

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? Would it be more internal? You wish you were more outgoing or social? Or, is your focus on your appearance?  You wish you were 30 pounds lighter, or you feel you are in desperate need of a new wardrobe? You need to clarify what you would change first before embarking on the “action” part of this process. It is important to do whatever it takes to bring about more confidence. This confidence will allow you to move forward in your life with higher expectations.

3.  Action mode!

Now is the fun part! You need to act in order to create change. Thinking about everything you wish were different is not going to help you out in the long run. You need to write down action steps you can take to propel you forward. Maybe it’s signing up for a toastmaster’s group in order to put you in social situations and practice speaking in front of people. Maybe it is hiring a personal trainer to push you physically. You need to have accountability of some form to keep you motivated and on track, so bring someone on board to partner with you until you succeed.

Tips on How to Discover and Fulfill Your Dreams

 

1. Stop being your own worst enemy. Be your own best friend.
2. Don’t put yourself down. Pull yourself up.
3. Don’t permit others to define who you are. You cannot be a failure without your own consent.
4. Respect yourself. Place a high value on yourself.
5. Take stock of who you are and what you’re capable of. Work on weaknesses and find new strengths every day.
6. Replace “I can’t” with “I can” and “I will.”
7. Treat yourself generously, the way you want others to treat you.
8. Be compassionate. Love yourself and others will love you.
9. Remember that you are an individual expression of God’s work. You are priceless and irreplaceable.
10. Visualize what you want from life, then, work toward it. See it, then, be it.
11. Allow time to be by yourself, with yourself. Take time to appreciate yourself.
12. Enjoy your uniqueness. Out of all the billions of people since the beginning of time, there has never been, and never will be, another you.
13. Realize that you are important to the entire world; what happens to the world begins with you.

 

Thinking of Changing Careers?

 

I see clients all the time who are unhappy at work and wish to pursue other avenues. However, they don’t know how to get from where they currently are to where they want to go. They can clarify for me bits and pieces of what they would love to do, but then they get stuck. Are you in a similar position right now in your life? Would you love to change careers, but feel a bit hesitant to the process of where to begin? So many people hear others talk about ‘life purpose’, but they have no idea what their purpose is or how to reveal it. They think their purpose needs to be something extraordinary and unique. I try to simplify things so that they begin with small steps and move forward at a pace that is not overwhelming or daunting. After discussing one’s past and highlighting what brings them joy and fulfillment now in their life, a purpose will organically reveal itself over time. Individuals sometimes focus so much energy on possible future scenarios that they can’t take the first steps needed to create their dream. If you constantly worry about something that needs to be accomplished in the distance, you will slow yourself down from even beginning the journey. Let’s say, for example, you want to start your own business. If all you think about is how you are going to get enough help to manage the holiday orders, you are passing up many other tasks that need to be addressed first. Start at the beginning and work your way up. This week I want to help clarify some career options that might be fun for you to explore.
 
1. Review life story
This is your chance to review your life and pick out the highlights. Go as far back as you can and write down what stands out as far as positive memories. Is there a similar theme? Do several memories include standing up in front of people? Do many highlights include when you traveled to other parts of the world? Maybe every time you were around children you felt alive and full of energy. These highlights in your life stand out for a reason. Take a good look at what you wrote down.
 
2. What do you hate?
A tactic many career coaches use to help clients determine a possible new profession is to have them describe in detail what they hate about their current profession. You need to be extremely specific here, if you can. Do you dislike the never-ending hours and weekend hours you have to work? Do you hate sitting in a cubicle typing numbers when you are a creative person? Do you dread office politics? List everything you dislike about your current position and then, list the exact opposite for every dislike. If you hate sitting in a cubicle, the exact opposite job would allow you freedom and travel.
 
3. What do you value?
If you are going to explore new possibilities, it is important you go about it the right way. Don’t pursue a profession that is not in alignment with what you value. I guarantee you will be miserable years down the road, if you do. For example, let’s say you value family time. Then, you interview for a position that requires a lot of travel and evening hours. It may seem like the perfect job, and at the beginning, it may feel that way. However, spending a lot of time away from your family, something you value more than anything else, will wear on you over time. This job will not seem so fantastic down the road. Know what you value and then pursue professions that honor these values.

 

Three Most Important Elements to Creating Positive Change

 

If you open yourself up to the belief that each and every one of you has an inner strength that can be utilized when you need it most, you can begin to move forward.

ACTION STEPS:

  1. Clarify

The first step in moving forward is clarifying what, specifically, you would like in your life. This means clarifying what is lacking and then clarifying what you would like more of. What would your ideal life look like? Take a minute to write down what you would love to see in your career, in your relationships, in your personal growth and for your health.

  1. Create

Once you have clarified what you would like to see in your life, it is time to create the blueprint. Your dreams will not be realized on their own. You need to create a specific plan. What steps can you take? What markers can you use at points of achievement? What do you need to do on a monthly, weekly and daily schedule? Create your list.

  1. Commit

Once you have created a plan, you need to commit to the process. Nothing worth achieving is going to happen overnight. You need to acknowledge that what you are striving for is worth the time and commitment. Commit to doing whatever you can to increase your chances of succeeding. Bring on the support of friends, work with a life coach, talk to a therapist, or work with a physical trainer.

 

 

Failure as Feedback

 

How do most of you define failure? Does it bring up a negative feeling? Or, can you think of it in terms of being useful in getting you where you want to go? What if I told you that only you have the power to decide whether or not something is indeed, a “failure”? Let’s assume for all practical reasons that ‘today’, failure means success. How can you possibly acknowledge your success at the same time you are vocalizing failure? Here are some examples: being able to recognize that everything hadn’t gone according to the plan, or you didn’t achieve the desired outcome, is in itself a positive outcome; that the specific path you took this time around, clearly wasn’t the right one, and so it has been successfully eliminated and will not be repeated; that you’ll know to do things differently in the future; that the experience has enabled you to grow in some way. “Failure” can simply be a great way to get us to pause in the midst of our process. This pause allows us to possibly change directions, try something new, continue our learning, or shift our focus. Imagine what would happen if we didn’t get that feedback, and continued endlessly along the wrong path, toward the wrong goal, or without ever learning a new approach? Failure, then, can really be seen as positive feedback…information that gets us back on the right track!

1. Clear idea of end result
Always have a clear idea of where you want to go and continue to re-evaluate it as you move forward. What direction are you heading? What is your ultimate goal? Spend some time this week writing down what you would like to see in your future. Focus on career, personal development, relationships, balance, etc.
2. Identify milestones
Identify specific milestones or markers along the way, to let you know you are on the right track. Be sure to celebrate these successes. If your goal is to lose 20 pounds, break that down into five-pound milestones. Each time you lose five pounds, celebrate and acknowledge your success.
3. Continually learn
If something doesn’t appear to be working, or working fast enough, don’t hesitate to try something new. Explore why it isn’t working and try going about it in a different fashion. Continually learn from others who may have traveled down a similar road before.

 

Seven Steps to Reaching Your Goals

Successfully executing any personal strategic plan for change requires that as you develop your plan, effectively incorporating these seven steps for attaining each and every goal:

1.  Express your goal in terms of specific events or behaviors.
For a dream to become a goal, it has to be specifically defined in terms of operations, meaning what will be done. When a goal is broken down into steps, it can be managed and pursued much more directly. “Being happy,” for example, is neither an event, or a behavior.  When you set out to identify a goal, define what you want in clear and specific terms.

2Express your goal in terms that can be measured.
How else will you be able to determine your level of progress, or even know when you have successfully arrived where you wanted to be? For instance, how much money do you aspire to make?

3. Assign a timeline to your goal.
Once you have determined precisely what it is you want, you must decide on a timeframe for having it. The deadline you’ve created fosters a sense of urgency or purpose, which, in turn, will serve as an important motivator, and prevent inertia or procrastination.

4.  Choose a goal you can control.
Unlike dreams, which allow you to fantasize about events over which you have no control, goals have to do with aspects of your existence that you control and can, therefore, manipulate. In identifying your goal, strive for what you can create, not for what you can’t.

5.  Plan and program a strategy that will get you to your goal.
Pursuing a goal seriously requires that you realistically assess the obstacles and resources involved, and that you create a strategy for navigating that reality. Willpower is unreliable, fickle fuel because it is based on your emotions. Your environment, your schedule and your accountability must be programmed in such a way that all three support you – long after an emotional high is gone. Life is full of temptations and opportunities to fail. Those temptations and opportunities compete with your more constructive and task-oriented behavior. You will find it much harder to stay the course, without programming.

6. Define your goal in terms of steps.
Major life changes don’t just happen…… they happen, one step at a time. Steady progress, through well-chosen, realistic, interval steps, produces results in the end. Know what those steps are before you set out.

7. Create accountability for your progress toward your goal.
Without accountability, people are apt to con themselves. If you know precisely what you want, when you want it (and there are real consequences for not doing the assigned work), you are much more likely to continue in the pursuit of your goal. Find someone in your circle of family or friends to whom you can be accountable. Make periodic reports on your progress.