Author Archives: Evelyn Barton

Are You a Victim of Domestic Abuse?

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If one in every four women will be a victim of domestic violence at some point in their lifetime, it is safe to assume that we all know of someone who has been affected.

If you are interested in seeking counseling regarding your personal experience with domestic violence, to help you get through this most difficult, fearful and lonely time of your life, I am here for you, and can relate to what you are going through. You are not alone. We can get through this together and help you begin a new life of independence, healthy self-esteem, a sense of empowerment, feeling safe, and moving forward into the life you really want for yourself.

The first step to ending this devastating epidemic is to be cognizant of the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence. Awareness can turn into a solution.
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7 Genuine Ways to Practice Gratitude

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Some people avoid practicing gratitude because doing so feels “fake.” But, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. That’s because any time we try something new, it’s going to feel awkward and unnatural. In fact, such reactions can be good, because it means you’re noticing and paying attention. If you can lean into the experience, you’ll be more likely to let go of your self-consciousness and take in the experience. Gratitude also might feel “fake” because we confuse it with sugar-coating. We assume it means pretending that challenges don’t exist. However, true gratitude is being honest with yourself and taking stock of your circumstances so you can respond healthfully. It is paying close attention to and recognizing what you have. It is awareness and acknowledgement for gifts we receive every day that keep us physically and spiritually awake and alive. Lionel Hampton defines it as “when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.”

Here are helpful ways to practice gratitude.

  1. Acknowledge your “fresh bread.”

Rumi states “There is a basket of fresh bread on your head, yet you go door to door asking for crusts.” Gratitude is about acknowledging the “fresh bread” that you already have. Acknowledging what you have helps you internalize it and become nourished by it.

For instance, if you’re going through a difficult time, acknowledge it. At the same time, think of what has helped you survive; remember your inner strength, as well as the people and places that may have supported you. Practicing gratitude in this way can help you connect with the dignity of your circumstances, and remind you of the resources that you draw on.

  1. Linger over positive experiences.

See if you can hang onto the “positive aftertaste” of an experience “a taste, a sight, a sound, a feeling” just a few extra seconds.

  1. Catch others being considerate – and tell them.

This is different from giving a compliment. Instead, it’s about telling someone specifically what you appreciate.

Examples are:  You tell your child’s teacher, “Mary’s been working really hard on that project. We’re so glad to see her interested and engaged in your class.”You tell your spouse, “Honey, I really appreciate you having the kitchen so clean. It feels so nice to walk into a clean house after my long trip”

  1. Practice together.

Share your gratitude with a loved one.  Some people even do this by texting a gratitude list to one another daily, before going to bed.

  1. Focus on your breath.

Appreciate the ease with which you breathe, and that your breath sustains your life.

  1. Involve your kids.

If you have kids, teach them to practice gratitude as part of their bedtime routine. Example: Ask your child, “What was the best part of your day today?” After they respond, express gratitude about that part of their day, and then encourage them to do the same: “I’m so grateful that you got to play with your best friend at recess today! Wow, that’s great! What a treat for you! Are you grateful for that, too?”

  1. Avoid censoring yourself.

Give yourself permission to express gratitude for all sorts of things. Being grateful about trivial things can make the practice more real and enlivening.

If you are truly grateful for the undissolved sugar at the bottom of your iced tea, for example, be grateful.  Practice being grateful for the things that are seemingly trivial ” but wonderful ” things: the cat jumping in your lap, a traffic-free commute, movies and popcorn, red maple leaves outside your window, getting the piece of cake with the most cream cheese frosting.

At first gratitude may feel like you’re “going through the motions.”But if you stick to your practice ” even if it’s not “heart-felt” in the beginning, eventually it transforms into true gratitude.

As a Man Thinketh in His Heart, So Shall He Be

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Are you tired of thinking yourself out of success?  You could be weighed down and held back by something that is invisible, yet is among the most powerful bits of energy that exist in the world today.

Your self-limiting beliefs might have you bound and tied for so long that you don’t even notice anymore.

Stop handing over your life to your self-limiting beliefs!

Here is a 5-step approach to breaking the (mental) chains that bind you:

  1. Identify your self-limiting beliefs. Ask yourself:
    • What negative thoughts recur in my mind almost every time I face something new, difficult, or big?
    • Which of my values contradicts that which I’d like to achieve?
    • What is my old (tired) story — the one I use to excuse/exclude myself from moving forward in a positive way?
  2. List the ways these self-limiting beliefs hold you back, in…
    • Your self-esteem
    • your relationships with others
    • your work
    • your overall success
  3. Create new self-affirming beliefs. Ask yourself:
    • What have I done in the past (or what am I doing now) that disproves this disempowering belief?
    • What do I need to do to leave my “old story” in the past, and create a “new story” for the rest of my life?
    • How can I describe myself in a way that makes me feel good about me?
  4. Choose to be more mindful about your thoughts and the power (negative or positive) they yield, on a daily basis.
  5. Create 3-4 positive self-statements to use as an empowering phrase to fuel you on your journey to consciously choosing more positive self-beliefs.

No one has more control over you than you.  Even under the worst conditions, you get to choose how you respond.  Change your mind — change your life!

The 5 Qualities to Help You Stay Strong

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The hardest thing about hard times is this: You know you’re not in control anymore. (But ask yourself something: Were you ever?) You have to make big changes before you’re ready or suddenly question what you thought you knew. But it’s possible to turn even the most upsetting situations into opportunities for growth if you can muster enough willingness, trust, faith, patience and surrender. Here’s why these qualities are so essential if we are to transcend our troubles.

Willingness
This is the all-important ingredient for making it through tough times. You must be willing to do what you believe you cannot, and acknowledge what you’ve avoided. Yes, this can be painful, but when you are unwilling to see things—and people—as they are, you can’t deal with the problem, and I can guarantee your situation will be prolonged.

Trust and Faith
Very often people confuse these two principles, but they’re very different. Trust is the belief that you can get through anything, and faith is the energy that grows from that trust, helping you carry on until things get better. You can’t have the latter without the former.

Patience
This is the capacity to accept and tolerate difficulty without anger or sorrow – and it’s your lifeline when you find yourself in the midst of a hard time. In the same way that we are unable to rush the sunrise or the unfolding of the seasons, we can’t force ourselves through a challenging experience in less time than we need to learn, heal or grow. Patience makes our difficulties pass as gently as possible.

Surrender
It’s not about giving up or bowing down. It’s about holding on to the knowledge that something bigger and more powerful than you is at work beneath the surface of your experience, and that it will take you exactly where you need to be. Now, in hard times, surrender is probably the greatest challenge you will encounter because it’s so hard to accept uncertainty. But that, my beloved, is the point. You don’t know what’s to come, but you must know that whatever happens, you will be okay.

Choose Happiness

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We all have free will. We can all choose happiness in our lives. It is much easier to choose happiness in life than to choose to be unhappy. How much energy do you waste complaining about things? How much energy do you spend wishing your life were different in some capacity? On the flip side, how often do you express gratitude for what you do have in your life? How often do you take a step back and really embrace all the positives that life has to offer? As simple as it sounds, it really is a choice that you can make. Sometimes it is just flipping the switch in your head that you are going to look at things differently and choose to feel happy and blessed. I am not saying that you need to ignore the difficulties that life throws at you, because there will be many in life, but it is a matter of what you want your life to look and feel like the majority of the time.

Personally, when I am grounded and positive in nature, things tend to come more naturally. When I am going through a rough patch, everything else seems so dire and magnified. If you don’t feel that you are a “happy” person by nature, that doesn’t mean it is a lost cause. You need to begin by focusing on what brings you joy now. For what we focus on, becomes our reality. When do you feel the happiest? Trust that you do have the power to bring more joy into your life. Trust that, by taking baby steps, you can get rid of the negative voice on your shoulder, and be guided more by the positive and hopeful voice. Know that it takes far less energy to experience joy than it does to focus on the negatives. I am not saying that you are going to wake up tomorrow and just feel happy and jubilant, but you can try to see things through a different-colored lens and experience a bit more of the joy factor.

ACTION TIPS:

1. Where’s the joy?
Do you feel a lack of happiness in your life? Do you feel as though your life is just passing by? Do you feel as though you’ve lost control? Acknowledgment is the first step in making some changes. You can give in to the hopeless feelings, or you can take charge. Know that each and every one of us is born with the right to be happy and content. No matter your circumstances, there is always something you can do to begin to turn things around.

2. Seek it out
What makes you happy? When do you experience the most joy? This week keep a journal of when you felt joy. Maybe it was when you were singing to music. Maybe it was when you were taking an aerobics class. Maybe it was when you were reading a good book. It’s important to detail these times so you can put yourself in those situations more often. Know what it takes to light you up, and then, do more of it.

3. Quiet time
One important step here is to take some much-needed quiet time. It is crucial to set aside this time every day. This time gives you the opportunity to say your affirmations, to pray if you do so, to reflect on what you are grateful for, or to just quiet your mind. This is when you set the tone for the rest of the day. Take this time to bring about the positive and supportive voice and lift your spirits.

Relationship Rescue

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EXPERT TIPS ON SURVIVING THE TOP 5 MOST COMMON NEWLYWED ROADBLOCKS:

Issue #1:  My In-laws Are Too Involved in Our Lives

The rescue: Create boundaries.

Even though you’re happily married, there’s probably a lot of separation anxiety going on here. Your spouse feels awkward putting limits on her folks, and when the folks feel left out, they lay on the guilt. You both need to set boundaries and explain them — in detail. Try limiting dinner together to once a month, long weekend vacations to once a year, and weekend phone calls to one. Have your spouse speak to his parents to express that the situation is new to everyone: to them, to you two, and to the other set of parents. Explain that you need to launch your marriage, and that means spending time together alone or with friends. Let them know you love them and count on their support — and that they’re not being excluded from your lives — it’s just that you need to learn to depend on each other, rather than on your folks. It’s going to be hard for many parents to let go, especially if your spouse is an only child. Let parents know the situation will naturally evolve as time goes on. Keep them in the loop with a weekly email or phone call so they won’t have the urge to show up next weekend during your romantic park picnic.

Issue #2:  Suddenly Marriage Doesn’t Seem as Fun as Dating
The rescue: Schedule your time.

Your previous life together was always planned, like going on dates and having the wedding. Now you sit together on the couch watching 24. That’s cool — sometimes — but you also need to actively plan “together time” away from the TV. It’s okay to turn to your spouse, look lovingly into his eyes, and say, “Even though we spend time together, I miss you, and I want us to have more memorable moments.” Then suggest a few ideas. They don’t have to be fancy, pricey, or even at night. Each week one person takes the reins to rekindle the romance. Rent bikes one Sunday afternoon and explore the town. Revisit the scene of your first “I love you.” Serve breakfast in bed (Cheerios will do — it’s the thought that counts). As for the unsexy habits, try to have a sense of humor about them. If they really turn you off, develop a code word or phrase with your spouse to let her know that, say, “the glob of toothpaste in the sink needs to be wiped out.” It’ll keep the frustration at bay and the tone fun.

Issue #3:  I Thought My Spouse Would Change, and It’s Not Happening
The rescue: Reconsider those changes.

You can ask your spouse to change, but realize it comes across as mothering — and you are so not your partner’s mom! Okay, so he might still need the maternal bossing around, but find a way to say what you want (if you really need it) so it sounds more sincere and in a less nagging way. Confront the situation before you get too fed up and say it in an “I’ll bend if you bend” type of way. If you can’t let it go, just ask for a favor. Pose it as, “This is the one thing I’ll ask of you.”  Some behaviors will definitely need to be modified, like spending money. More than likely, you have different ideas about spending and saving, and that won’t change by ordering her to quit updating her cell phone every six months. In this case, you need to arrive at a mutual plan — work on it together, not as one person chastising the other.

 Issue #4: My Spouse Thinks in Terms of “Me” and Not “We”
The rescue: Always consider your mate’s feelings.

Whether the issue is big or small, there’s a need after marriage to hold on to your own identities (which might be tougher for a wife who changed her last name). It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other or don’t want to be married, you’re just used to taking care of yourself and making your own choices. Your husband probably doesn’t really care about the hue of any room, and while she wishes she could join you on that great trip, she probably just wants you to go and have a good time. It boils down to this: Each mate wants to participate in the decision-making. When a big trip comes up, immediately call your spouse, instead of the airline, and go over dates and projected money you’ll spend. And when a home improvement decision arises, ask for creative input before bringing home the paint cans. Either way, you’re now part of a team and need to treat your sweetie like an equal player. You’ll need to be prepared for some resistance to your plan, but hopefully you can each voice the pros and cons of the situation to come to a solution, and even learn something from one another’s opinions. Working as a team will be tough at first, but it’ll go a lot smoother if you respect each other. And you’ll probably get to paint the bedroom — and the whole house — any color you want.

Issue #5: We Love Each Other, but we fight a Lot
The rescue: Fight constructively.

You’re probably not in trouble. Fighting is healthy as long as it leads to solving a problem and helps you learn to manage your differences better in the future. One partner shouldn’t always be giving up or giving in just to end the argument. The common goal should always be to settle the case. Constant bickering that goes nowhere will take its toll, but a disagreement is better than holding in a concern and becoming resentful. The key is to use heated debates to find a resolution that satisfies both partners’ needs. The next time a fight ensues, refrain from name-calling and cursing. It’s okay to raise your voice, but don’t let things escalate into a screaming match. Each person should present his or her side, then hash out how you might meet in the middle. Explain things in terms of “I feel” — something like “It hurts my feelings when you tease me in front of your friends.” And then back that up with reasons why. Never lay blame, declare absolutes, or point fingers. For example, avoid “You never take my side!” or “You’re always messing up!” Once you learn to speak rationally, it’ll be easier to reach a resolution. Always communicate! If fights get nasty and seem never-ending, it might be time to consider counseling for one or both of you. Don’t think of it as the last straw; it’s a proactive way to keep your marriage strong.

Discovering the Courage Within

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Christopher Columbus needed courage. So did Lance Armstrong when he defeated cancer and captured the Tour de France in 1999. History is littered with courageous acts and courageous people. You don’t have to be a world-class explorer or professional cyclist to have courage. Everybody needs it, but how do you get it, especially when you’re like the lion before he discovered the Wizard of Oz?  As the lion had to learn, courage exists inside of you. You just have to dredge it up after years of burying it behind your safety zones.

The Inborn Courage in You

Everyone was born with courage. You may not remember learning how to walk, but you know you fell hundreds of times before you stood on your own. Learning to walk took courage. And you succeeded because you had little fear or doubt. Eventually, that changed. Parents and other caregivers told you to be careful, to avoid dangers. Society, after all, values comfort over fulfillment. We’ve been exposed to a barrage of messages that discourage us from being courageous.

Your Adversity Quotient

As you grew up, you patterned your response to adversity on how people around you responded to difficulty. This reaction to adversity is known as the adversity quotient (AQ).
As a baby, your AQ is untested. By the time you’re 12, thanks to your environment and situations you’ve faced, you’ve developed your AQ. The higher your AQ, the better you’re able to summon courage and tap your greatness in times of need. Fortunately, your AQ can be strengthened.

Courage as a Necessity

Why do you need courage? Because courage will help you live your life the way you want. Courage is learning to overcome fear, and when you do that, you grow. Today, courage is needed more than ever before. Studies show that 98% of people predicted more difficulty, chaos and uncertainty in their lives in the future. Ten years ago, the average number of challenges people faced in a day was seven. Today, that number has risen to 23.

Linda Larsen, author of True Power, knows firsthand the power of courage. Over 20 years ago, she was kidnapped, raped and held hostage for over five hours. She summoned courage she didn’t know she had and escaped. “My courage didn’t let me down,” she says. “Once you know courage is always in you, you can start learning to act more courageously in life.”

Obstacles to Becoming Braver

There are, though, things that stand between you and your courageous self. Here is a list of the following obstacles:
. Fear of change. Learning how to be less controlled by your fears is one key to becoming more courageous.
. Either-or-thinking. You may think of yourself as a wimp and others as courageous, but there has to be a middle ground. You can live in a comfort zone, but you have to be willing to be courageous when it counts.
. Fear of failure. Failure is an important part of success, and being courageous involves being willing to fail at times.
. Lack of faith. Identify your self-doubt, so that you can act more courageously.
. Personal fears. These are fears such as fear of taking responsibility for your life; fear of self-discovery; fear of losing control; fear of moving forward; and fear of making the wrong decision. Know that you are bigger than your fears. Follow your instincts, and if doubts emerge, shove them aside.

Finding Courage in Times of Need

You draw courage from what matters to you. The changes you’re willing to make are the ones that have the greatest significance. For example, if you’ve been offered a job that will force you to move across the country but you don’t care about the job, you’ll have a hard time finding courage to make the move. Once you’ve decided what matters, then follow these suggestions for becoming more courageous.
. Recall previous times when you acted courageously. Did you move as a child and have to make new friends? Did you go away to college? Focusing on times when you acted courageously will instill more courage in you, adding that you should also applaud yourself for showing courage.
. Shift your focus. Don’t worry about failing or disappointing other people, Larsen says. Worry instead about failing yourself.
. Eliminate the words “wish,” “hope” and “maybe” from your vocabulary. These words erode your courage by filling you with doubt, fear or hesitation.
. Do your homework. If appropriate, know the obstacles you might encounter. Talk with other people who were once in your shoes. But, remember that no matter how much you analyze the situation, you’ll still have unknown answers. Courage doesn’t mean waiting to act until you have no fear. Courage means living with heart and doing what you want when you’re scared.
. Surround yourself with courageous people. There will always be people who say never. Find people who support and believe in you.
. Imagine what life will be like when your challenge has passed. Courage can come from seeing past adversity and knowing that although it may be horrible now, it’ll get better sometime.
. Give it your all but don’t expect perfection. Don’t give only 50%; then you can say later that you didn’t succeed because you weren’t trying that hard. To find courage, you must be willing to give 100%.
. Once you’ve acted with courage, assess your response. Did acting with courage move you forward? If not, figure out how you would behave differently next time. If so, then bottle that courage, reward yourself, and always remember this time when you acted with courage in spite of your fears.

 

Communication 101……Stop and Listen

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How many times in your past can you recall getting upset with someone, which turned into an argument and you were left with nothing resolved? It is natural to want to express your thoughts and concerns when you feel wronged. However, it is less natural to genuinely listen to the other person’s point of view. Practicing healthy communication and listening skills is vital in all relationships. It takes practice to stop and listen when all you want is to get your point across. Everyone wants to be heard, genuinely heard, when expressing feelings. When you approach someone from the “I” standpoint instead of the “you” standpoint, it changes the dynamic completely. Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings and this will lessen the likelihood of defenses going up. Start today by creating relationships built on respect for one another. Again, it is ok and completely valid to be upset with someone, the way you approach the situation can make a huge difference in the outcome.

  1. Make a list

Make a list of all the people you would like to improve your relationships with. Take ownership and responsibility for what you bring to the relationship. Instead of the “blame game,” try approaching the situation with an open mind, resulting in a solution. Practice responding instead of reacting.

  1. Stop and listen

Next time you get upset with someone, be prepared to stop and really listen to what they have to say. Before jumping the gun and overreacting, take a deep breath and prepare how you want to approach the situation. Envision the end result in a positive manner with both parties being able to express everything without blame. Begin to practice the art of really listening. Take time to stop and really hear what the other person has to say.

  1. Remember how it feels

Remember how it feels when you’ve been genuinely heard and understood? It is difficult to get upset when you feel understood, when there is little blame and more understanding of each other’s point of view.

7 Ways to Recover When the Election Result Is Not What You Hoped For

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When things happen in the world that shake our sense of safety, our levels of adrenaline skyrockets leaving us stressed and feeling out of control.

  1. The first thing to do is breathe. Basically, deep breathing and adrenaline can’t co-exist in the same body as it triggers the release of a neurotransmitter (acetylcholine) that calms you down and most importantly, stops your thoughts from racing so you can think straight.
  2. Next, think about what you can and cannot control and move your focus to make changes to things you do have control over. You can influence your children to have good morals and to treat women or people who are different from themselves well. You can go through life following your own inner compass about how to treat people.
  3. Stress often makes us focus on the negative and ignore the positives in our lives. Widen the lens you are looking through. You may be disappointed at the moment but there are still many really good things in the world and your life.  Your life is more than this one moment.
  4. Do a random act of kindness to make yourself and someone else feel better.
  5. Hug the ones you love. A good hug is the fastest way for you to get oxytocin flowing in your body. This “love drug” calms your nervous system and boosts positive emotions.
  6. Spend time with people who share your same value system. Vent about your feelings with like-minded people  and buffer yourself by knowing that there are other people who are feeling the same way you do.
  7. Most importantly, be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to process your feelings and do whatever makes you happy in this moment and to others so they know that there are people out there who care.

 

Positive Solutions to Dealing with Tragedy and Pain

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 1. Count your blessings
There are absolutely no guarantees in life, so it is extremely important to focus on your blessings everyday. Take some time every evening to focus on everything you are grateful for. It will bring meaning and substance to your life.
 
2. Trust your intuition
I am always talking to clients about tuning into their intuition. Do what you can now to fine tune your intuitive skills. Jot down when you get a gut feeling. Honor your feelings when something doesn’t feel quite right. Of course there will be things that happen in life that you have no control over, but trusting your instinct will give you back some power and peace of mind.
 
3. Give to others
When tragedy strikes, it is easy to feel helpless. Whenever you give to others, it lifts your mood and begins the healing. Can you raise money for a family? Can you donate some blood? Can you send some cards and kind words?