Monthly Archives: January 2020

“Attention Singles!”

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Sometimes when someone comes to me seeking help in meeting someone, I give them opposite the advice they are expecting. I tell them while we are working together, at least initially, they should take a break from dating altogether. We need to take the focus off pursuing someone, and into attracting people to themselves. It’s important to reflect on why past relationships didn’t work, what their role was in the downfall of the relationship. It is also crucial to define what, exactly, you are looking for, while taking extreme self-care along the way. Once you turn your focus around and begin fine-tuning what you are looking for and what you are not looking for, things will begin to click. Here are some things to focus on:

1. Make room

If you truly want to attract someone into your life, you need to make room for it. Take a look at your life right now. Are you so busy with work and obligations, that you are sending a signal that you are not available for a relationship? Even if this is not a conscious choice, you need to adjust your life so that you have room to nurture a relationship. Make bringing someone into your life a priority. Cut back on responsibilities or tasks that don’t mean something to you.

2. Create your ideal mate

I have had many clients perform this exercise and create astonishing results. I would like you to get out a sheet of paper and write exactly what your perfect partner would look like. I am referring to personality traits, physical characteristics, values, and likes. Do not just write “tall, dark and handsome”. That is extremely general. Try to fill the paper with the attributes that are the most important to you. Most of my clients tuck this paper away or forget about it altogether until someone special comes into their life. Then they ‘happen’ to find the paper and are blown away by the comparisons. Some of my clients have attracted a partner that has every one of their requirements, minus one or two. They don’t realize that they attracted that person to themselves once they put that intention out there.

3. Get involved

Ok…you’ve made room and written your list, and he or she still has not magically appeared? Well, instead of “waiting” for this person to make their way into your life, get engaged in life and put it out of your mind. Sign up for activities you enjoy. Go to social engagements. Try new things that are a bit out of your comfort zone. By getting involved in activities that you enjoy, you are naturally going to surround yourself with like-minded individuals. You never know who will know someone, who will open doors for you, or what will happen when you begin to enjoy your life again.

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HERE ARE 7 STEPS TO MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP LAST

Many of us are clueless when it comes to making our relationships last. Do you know how? What makes love last a lifetime? Affection? Sure. Mutual trust and respect? Absolutely! But a great marriage is not just about what you have. It’s about what you do to make a relationship stronger, safer, more caring and committed. There are steps you can take to make your relationship last.

Marriage is a home, a refuge against the outside storms. And like any house, it requires a strong, lasting foundation. To build one, every couple needs to take certain steps that turn the two of you into not just you and me but we. You may not move through all the steps in order, and you may circle back to complete certain steps again (and again and again). But if you make it through them all, you’ll be well on your way toward creating a marriage that will be your shelter as long as you both shall live. Here are seven steps to making your relationship last.

Step 1: Find a shared dream for your life together.

It’s easy to get caught up in the small stuff of married life: What’s for dinner tonight? Whose turn is it to clean the litter box? Did you pay the electric bill? But the best partners never lose sight of the fact that they’re working together to achieve the same big dreams. They have a shared vision, saying things like, “We want to plan to buy a house, we want to take a vacation to such-and-such a place, we like to do X, we think we want to start a family at Y time.”

This kind of dream-sharing starts early. Couples love to tell the story of how they met. As you write and rewrite your love story (“our hardest challenge was X, our dream for retirement is Y”), you continually remind yourselves and each other that you’re a team with shared values and goals. And, when you share a dream, you’re more apt to make that dream come true.

Step 2: Ignite (and reignite) a sexual connection.

In any good relationship, sex is much more than just a physical act. It’s crucial for the health of your emotional connection, too. It’s something only the two of you share.  It makes you both feel warm and loved. It draws you back together when you’re drifting apart. And, it’s so much fun to explore and create new ways to satisfy each other!

Experiencing those sparks when you first meet is easy. The hard part is nurturing a strong, steady flame. When you’ve got a mortgage, a potbelly, and a decade of togetherness under your belts, it can be hard to muster up the fire you felt when you first got together. That’s when it’s even more important to protect your sex life and make it a priority. You have to keep working at creating fascination and seduction for each other or your sex life will become dull.

As the years go by, you’ll keep revisiting and reimagining the passion you have for each other. And if you keep at it, you’ll have a sex life that rises above your marriage’s lack of newness, the stresses of family and work, the physical changes that come with aging. Now that’s something worth holding on to.

Step 3: Choose each other as your first family.

For years, you were primarily a member of one family…the one in which you grew up. Then, you got married, and, suddenly, you became the foundation of a new family…one in which husband and wife are the A-team. It can be tough to shift your identity like this, but it’s also an important part of building your self-image as a duo.

It’s important to learn to talk to each other when there are issues to resolve…not talk about each other to someone else in the family. It’s about becoming a team in working things out or dealing with issues relating to the behavior of another family member.

Whatever your challenges — an overprotective mom, an overly-critical father-in-law….you have to outline together the boundaries between you and all of the families connected to you. Not only will you feel stronger as a united front, but when you stick to your shared rules, all that family baggage will weigh on you a lot less.

Step 4: Learn how to fight right.

Fighting is a big problem every couple has to deal with. That’s because fights will always come up, so every couple needs to learn how to fight without tearing each other apart.

Fighting right doesn’t just mean not throwing things…it means staying focused on the issue at hand and respecting each other’s perspective. Couples who fight right also find ways to defuse the tension…often with humor. Even if you fight a lot, when you can find a way to turn fights toward the positive — with a smile, a quick apology, an expression of appreciation for the other person — the storm blows away fast, and that’s what matters.

Step 5: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.

When it comes to togetherness, every couple has its own unique sweet spot. There are couples that are never apart, and there are couples that see each other only on weekends. With the right balance, neither partner feels slighted or smothered. You have enough non-shared experiences to fire you up and help you maintain a sense of yourself outside the relationship…as well as giving you something to talk about at the dinner table. But, you also have enough time together to feel your connection as a strong tie rather than as a loose thread.

Your togetherness needs will also change over time, so you’ll have to shift your balance accordingly. “My husband and I spend a lot of time together, but it’s almost all family time,” says Katie, 40, a mom of two in San Leandro, CA. “We realized a few months ago that we hadn’t had a conversation that didn’t involve the kids or our to-do lists in ages, so we committed to a weekly date. We were so happy just to go to the movies and hold hands, something we hadn’t done in ages. It felt like we were dating again!”

Step 6: Build the best friendship.

Think about the things that make your closest friendships irreplaceable: the trust that comes with true intimacy, the willingness to be vulnerable, the confidence that the friendship can withstand some conflict. Don’t those sound like good things to have in your marriage, too?

Happy couples are each other’s haven. They can count on the other person to listen and try to meet their needs. When you’re true friends, you acknowledge and respect what the other person is…you don’t try to control or change him/her. This creates a sense of safety and security when you’re together — you know you’re valued for who you are and you see the value in your partner.

Then, when you’ve been with someone awhile, you almost become a mind-reader. You have a shared history and inside jokes. Your life partner knows what you’ll find funny, you forward him/her links to articles you know he’ll/she’ll enjoy, and best of all, you two can make eye contact at a given moment and say volumes without opening your mouths. And, is there anything more pleasurable than sitting in companionable silence, absorbed in your respective newspaper reading, sipping coffee, occasionally reading something out loud, but mostly just spending time idly, happily together, communing without needing to speak?

Step 7: Face down a major challenge together.

You’re sailing along through life, and suddenly you hit a huge bump…a serious illness, unemployment, the loss of a home, or a death in the family. How do you cope?

The truth is, you never know how strong your relationship is until it’s tested. All too often, the stress of a crisis can pull a couple apart. But, the good news is, when you do make it through in one piece, you might just find yourselves tighter than ever.

“What didn’t happen to us?” asks Diane, 28, a preschool teacher in Harrisburg, PA. “My husband lost his job and took a minimum-wage job he was way overqualified for just to make ends meet. He was offered a better job in a mountain town outside San Diego, so we moved. Then, during the California wildfires several years ago, our house burned down and we lost everything. We were living in a one-room, converted garage with no running water and a newborn baby. But, we found that this chaos somehow brought us even closer together. We took turns losing it. We really kept each other sane.”

Marriage is no roll in the hay. It is tough work. But, the reward, the edifice you build together that will shelter you through years of tough times, is more than worth the effort. The small, friendly home you build, decorated with your shared history and stories, filled with color and laughter — will be the warmest and safest retreat you can imagine.



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STANDING IN YOUR OWN POWER: HOW TO HANDLE STRESS WITH DIGNITY AND GRACE

Are you unsure how to handle stress with dignity and grace? Would you like to be standing in your own power? 

Stress isn’t always the bad guy that it’s made out to be. “The hormones created by stress can actually strengthen neural connections in our brain and can help us be more productive and focused. In addition, stress motivates us to succeed and makes us more resilient. But when stress strikes, most of us don’t think about its positive side-effects. Instead, we think…….this really sucks. Something that differentiates the mediocre from the extraordinary is strength and resilience, and the way we manage stress is a great indication of those two qualities. When I find myself in a stressful situation, my goal is to be as intentional as possible with my thoughts and the way I perceive and process the circumstances. I ask myself these three questions to help me stand in my own power and handle stress with dignity……and sometimes even with a little grace.

1. What can I control here? 

And the answer is never people or circumstances. You are only in control of your own actions and your own response to a circumstance. Others are responsible for their actions and responses.

2. What can you do to smooth out the situation? 

When you react to a stressful situation in a way that positively influences others, you have the power to turn chaos into a learning experience, for you and others. Act authentically and consider the personalities involved. How can you guide things to a place where the situation can be diffused or resolved? And if you can’t, don’t stress about it. Refer to question #1 about control.

3. Where can I find acceptance? 

Sometimes there’s nothing we can do to influence a stressful situation. That’s where grace comes into play. Being able to recognize when efforts are futile and take a step back from the situation altogether is a true sign of strength and resilience. It’s not easy. But, once you hone your ability to accept situations that you can’t change, you’ll find the most amazing sense of serenity…even in a world of chaos.

There are self-care techniques that can help us be mindful and intentional during stressful situations. Some are fitness, meditation, getting plenty of rest, and eating a well-rounded, nutritious diet, and being authentic and true to ourselves. Those who manage stress are not only more effective leaders, but they are also happier, healthier, and more productive. Start adding self-care practices into your daily routine. Try to be more mindful the next time you’re in a high-stress situation by asking yourself the questions above. You’ll be surprised at the contrast between how you respond instinctively versus how you respond after a moment of thought!

8 Signs You’re in a Strong Relationship (even if it doesn’t feel like it)

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1.  You know how to recover from a fight.

2. You think about your partner often when you’re not together.

3. You respond positively to each other’s good news.

4.  You spend time apart (do not look to your partner for all your existential

      needs. Find yourself in hobbies, friends, work.)

5.  You have a similar sense of humor. Having a private language with your partner

      (like nicknames and jokes that no one else would get) can facilitate bonding

      and often predicts relationship satisfaction.

6.  You split chores evenly.

7.  You try new things together.

8. You don’t have a lot of extreme downturns in your relationship.

 

STRESS-REDUCING TIPS for SENIORS

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Studies show that older adults are more prone to mental disorders than younger adults.

Usually, these include post-traumatic stress disorder, social anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorders, and specific phobia or generalized anxiety disorders. If you have reached your golden years, and feel that your stress exposure is higher than normal, try these steps to relieve your stress and anxiety.

Deep breathing meditation –  Meditation is one of the most effective ways to relieve stress and anxiety. Actually, it helps you relax your body and mind and manage any nail-biting situation that presents in your way.

On top of that, meditation exercises are so easy to perform. The main goal is to shift all your focus to your breathing, which can keep any negative energy and thoughts at bay.

All you have to do is sit comfortably with an erect back position, breathe in slowly through your nose, and breathe out through your mouth, as simple as that.

Food – It may come as a surprise that the food you eat plays an important role in your mood swings, as well as your stress level.

A healthy diet program can help your body cope with stress-induced physiological changes. Beyond that, your adrenaline level is triggered by your blood sugar levels. Therefore, a diet rich in sugar can result in abnormal stress.

Whenever you feel like reaching for a sugary snack, opt for plain foods with a high nutritional value, such as fruits and veggies. Incorporate more fish into your diet, as the high doses of omega 3 fatty acids can lower your stress level.

Music – If you feel anxious and stressed, take a moment to relax and listen to some music. Music is literally the food of the soul. It helps calm your nerves and reduces the level of cortisol – the body’s main stress hormone.

Furthermore, it can reduce your high blood pressure, also known as hypertension. To alleviate stress, try some relaxing nature sounds, like ocean waves, or the sound of a bird or tree. Close your eyes, relax every muscle in your body, and imagine you are sitting in a peaceful place where the beauty of nature surrounds you.

Social activities – senior citizens who do not take part in social activities could become more susceptible to isolation, loneliness, and depression.

Isolating yourself from your friends, family, and relatives can cause your stress level to soar and make you feel lonely and depressed. However, maintaining your social relationships, and participating in social events is likely to bolster your mental well-being.

In case you live in a retirement residence, join a book club, or a fitness class. This not only has various social advantages but can boost your physical health as well.